I looked over at Miles.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he said.
“Miles, you made it seem like if we stay together you’ll always be miserable. Or that you could let everything go including me. I don’t want either of those options. I said I was sorry. And I said I forgave you. I don’t know what else you need unless you tell me.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “You could do anything and I’d still love you. I told you that. It’s not about what you did. It’s what I did. I don’t know how to forgive myself.”
“For what?”
“For not finding you sooner. For not being able to stop Don from hurting you. For…”
“None of that was your fault.”
“Well it was my fault that I hated you for shutting me out. I hated you for years, Summer. I was haunted by your memory.”
“You think I didn’t hate you for shutting me out? You think I just loved you for the last ten years? I hated you, Miles. I fucking hated you too! I was haunted by the memory of this boy that I thought loved me but then kicked me to the curb when I needed him the most!”
“I never stopped writing to you!” He stood up. The chair squeaked behind him.
I blinked back my tears.
“I never fell in love with someone else,” he said. “I never saw my life with anyone else. You gave up on me, Summer.”
A part of me did. He was right. I never stopped loving him, but I did give up on him. I stopped writing. I fell in love with Eli. I gave up on him. “I’m sorry that I let you down.” I stood up and tried to walk away, but he grabbed my wrist.
“I’m sorry that I gave you a reason to,” he said.
I stared into his eyes. They were different than I remembered. They weren’t filled with warmth and laughter. My youth had been stolen by death and by Don. But I had stolen Miles’. “I froze your heart.” That’s what Dr. Miller had said before. That Miles’ heart was frozen.
“I let you burn.” His voice broke. “I can’t forgive myself for that. Ever.”
The way he said it made me feel cold. I talked about how Don’s touch made me feel like I was on fire. He listened to me. He could feel my pain. He always had been able to.
&
nbsp; “Tell me you don’t want me, Miles. Tell me to walk away. Tell me you don’t need me as much as I need you.”
He shook his head. “I don’t know how to breathe without you.”
“I don’t know how to breathe without you.” I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to decide to move past this.
“I can’t take away the things that Don did to you. And I can’t undo the things I’ve done.”
“I’ve already forgiven you.” I leaned forward and touched the side of his face. “But you know that. You need to forgive yourself.”
“I killed someone, Summer.”
I didn’t realize he was torn up about that. But of course he was. His heart wasn’t as frozen as he seemed to think. He was full of love. He always had been. “You saved me. He would have killed me if you hadn’t taken his life first.” Miles leaned into my touch like I was the only one that could support him.
Dr. Miller cleared his throat. “Can we rewind for a second? Miles, did you say you killed someone? Summer touched base on that topic in our last session and I did have some questions about that.”
“It’s a figure of speech, doc!” Liza practically fell into the kitchen and Kins toppled in on top of her. “Like, man you killed that test,” she groaned and shoved Kins off of her.
“That wasn’t how he used it…” Dr. Miller’s voice trailed off. “Were you two eavesdropping on our session?”
“It was her idea,” Liza said and pointed at Kins.
Kins just shrugged. “Will you two kiss and make up already?”