Teddy didn’t deserve to have both of us hiding this from her. Not anymore. Well, she’d never deserved it, but I’d thought we were protecting her—and my relationship with her—but now, it was just starting to feel like we were being deliberately dishonest for no good reason. We weren’t just making out in the back of an ice-cream truck anymore. We were living together in this room, and if Colt got his way, we’d be sharing an apartment soon.
It had long since passed the point of being a real relationship and not just a secret summer fling, and keeping it from her any longer was wrong. Keeping it from her had always been wrong, but it was so much more so now.
Tears burned at the backs of my eyes when I realized that it wasn’t just France that wasn’t working for me. It was my relationship with him. I loved Colt, and it broke my heart to even think it, but I wasn’t sure I could live out of a suitcase the way he did for much longer, always ready to pack up and leave for the next location at the drop of a hat.
Maybe the jet-setting, adventurous life just isn’t for me.I was a creature of habit and I was ready to get back to it. Ready to get back my boring life in Rockdale and everything that it entailed, even if it meant going home without him.
The tears leaked out, hot streaks streaming down my temples and into my ears as I tried to come to terms with the decision I was making. But as much as it made my heart feel like it was splintering into ten million pieces, I knew it was time for me to go home and I knew I’d have to admit it to him soon.
31
COLT
The third apartment we walked through ticked all the boxes as far as I was concerned, but Emma looked like she was in line for her own execution. She didn’t seem to like anything in any of the apartments, or at least, she wasn’t responding to anything.
No excitement. No questions for the agent. Nothing.
“The natural light in this room is great,” I said as we stood in the open-concept living area with its large windows and high ceilings. “Plus, it’d be hard to beat that view.”
I pointed at the wall of glass on one side of the dining area. It looked out over the water and even had the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Emma glanced in the direction I was pointing and shrugged, a small, very fake smile barely lifting the corners of her lips.
“It’s a wonderful view,” she agreed softly, but the look in her eyes was as flat as it had been all afternoon. “Really beautiful. The whole apartment is stunning.”
The agent looked happy when she said it, but Emma didn’t. Turning to the man who might’ve just wasted a good part of his afternoon on us, I nodded. “She’s right. It is stunning.Tres magnifique, but I think we need a break before we continue on to the next one. Can we meet you in one hour?”
“Tres bien,” he said.Very well.
After showing us out, he stayed behind to lock up and I took Emma’s hand, casting a long look at her profile as we walked down the street. She was staring straight ahead, seemingly trying not to cry but not managing to hide the tears brimming in her eyes or the way she kept swallowing them down.
“Let’s go in here,” I said, veering off the sidewalk and into a quaint little café that sold the brand of coffee she’d taken a liking to. Once we were seated at a small round table tucked away in the corner, I slid my hands across the table and took both of hers in them, my attention locked on her forlorn expression. “Okay, Em. What’s going on? I can tell you’re upset, so what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
More tears glistened in her eyes, and she swallowed them down miserably before shaking her head. “I’m homesick. Paris is great, but I miss Rockdale and I miss being able to tell my best friend everything. Sneaking around was never a good idea, but we’re on an international trip together, Colt. It’s my first time ever out of the country and I can’t even tell Teddy about it. It’s just... it’s everything.”
“What can I do to make you more comfortable?” I asked after pausing for a long minute, my mind blank with shock over what she’d said. I’d thought she was loving Paris, but it suddenly struck me that I hadn’t actually asked her how she was feeling about being away from home for a while.
She looked into my eyes, but I could see her arms moving as she fidgeted with her hands in her lap. “I don’t think there is anything you can do. Paris is a truly amazing city. For a vacation spot, it’s great but I don’t want to live here.”
“It’s only one more month,” I said soothingly. “We’re going to Spain after that. Marbella. Gorgeous beaches, turquoise water, fresh seafood. You can spend your days drinking cocktails on the sand and reading. How great does that sound?”
“We could be going to the moon and it still wouldn’t matter. I want to go home. I’m just not cut out for life on the road.”
Disappointment surged through me first, followed quickly by anger. “You said you’d give it a real chance and you haven’t. What’s so bad about being here?”
“You’re not hearing me. I’m homesick, Colt. I have been trying to give it a real chance, for weeks now, but it’s not working for me,” she countered. “You wanted me to try and I did, but I’m bored. I’m lonely. I’m stuck in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, and I don’t like it.”
“If you were giving it a real chance, you’d find something to fill your days with. That’s what you need, just something to do instead of being alone and bored all the time.”
“How?” she asked. “I’ve looked into a lot of different options, but the language barrier is a problem. Places where I can volunteer in my line of work need me to speak French, and I’ve investigated the possibility of taking classes, but what’s the point? It’s not like we’re going to be here forever. A month is apparently just enough time to get a very basic grip on the basics, and then we’ll be moving on.”
“What about teaching English?” I suggested, desperation starting to creep into my soul and merging with the anger. “You could do that, but have you even thought about it?”
“Of course, I have, but the institutions I’ve contacted don’t want someone who will only be around for a few more weeks. Students of any age need continuity, not nomads who start something they can never finish.”
“You could keep teaching them online.”
She shook her head, her cheeks flushing as she stared back at me. “I don’t have the credentials to apply for a full-time, remote-work position, and even if I did, it would still only be for the summer. So yes, maybe I could freelance or convince someplace around here to let me help out with kids doing one thing or another, but ultimately, that’s not what I want.”
“What do you want, then?” I asked, keeping my voice low when all it wanted to do was rise. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It had only been a couple weeks and she was ready to give up. Hell, I’d only been back at work for eleven days. Eleven fucking days, and she was sitting there, looking at me like I’d abandoned her in some strange country for months on end. “What do you want from me here, Emma? I’m doing my best. I take you out for breakfast every morning. We have dinner together most nights. I try to get away during the day whenever I can.”