“Wait,” said Simon. “You know it’s a goddess contest and not a dictator contest, right? It feels like this plan is going in a really weird direction…”
“ANYWAY. As I was saying… We’ll steal the IDs from the guards. Ghostie, can you find a way to intercept communications from the island? I don’t want them radioing back to the mainland.”
Ghostie grunted in a way that seemed like a yes.
“Good. While you do that, we’ll need to disable their boat. Can you…”
“Yes yes,” interrupted Slavanka. “I make pipe bomb. Just need nails, fertilizer…”
“An explosion probably wouldn’t be ideal if we’re trying to be discrete.”
Slavanka nodded. “I wrap dog intestine around propeller. Sneaky sneaky.”
What now?“I’m loving your enthusiasm, but I was actually gonna let Teddybear handle this one. You’ll be busy with the goddess contest.”
“In my Stalinkini!”
“Yeah. You know what, I’m starting to worry that Justin won’t get it just right. You should probably go help him design it.”
“Ah! Yes yes!” She clapped in excitement and then ran off to the back room, still wearing nothing but a single boot.
“Okay, where was I?”
“I think you had me wrapping a dog intestine around the boat propeller?” said Teddybear. “Or was it a pipe bomb?”
Ghostie punched him in the arm and growled.
Teddybear cleared his throat. “I’ll cut a few wires. It’ll take them hours to get it started.”
“Perfect,” I said. I drew a line from the island back to the mainland. “Once we have the IDs, Slavanka and I will use them to enter the hotel dressed as maids.”
“Won’t work,” said Ghostie. “If their security is worth shit, the command center will compare your faces to the pictures linked to the IDs.”
“Aw, Ghostie. You really think they’re gonna be looking at our faces?” I jiggled my beautiful breasts to get the point across. “Or I guess you could hack their security system and change what they’re seeing in the command center.”
“It’s a closed system,” said Simon. “You can only hack it if you are physically in the command center.”
“Okay, cool. We’ll do that then. And then we’ll head up to the penthouse and save Ash.” I drew a sexy little stick figure on the wrapping paper and used some lipstick to give her red hair.
Teddybear nodded. “You make it sound so easy.”
“Is that it?” asked Simon. “I thought that Justin guy was screaming about weddings or something?”
“Bachelorette monokinis,” I corrected. “Those are a crucial part of our escape plan.”
“Which is…?” asked Teddybear.
“We’re gonna walk right out the front door.” I drew me, Ash, and Slavanka all strutting out of the hotel and the banana king standing there looking like an idiot. And then I drew a gigantic cock on him just to make sure my drawing was clear. God, I miss that beautiful thing. “Any questions?”
“Yes,” said Teddybear. “So many.”
Ghostie grunted in agreement.
“Alright!” I said. “Let’s get to work!”