While what Thomas did wasn’t Chase’s fault, the guilt still weighed heavily on him. I’m sure he suffered from nightmares from finding the man to whom he pledged his heart.
When silence encompassed us, I waited to see if there was anything left for him to say, for him to unbury.
After it seemed he was done, that he had emptied out everything he was willing to rid himself of, I finally spoke. “Life has a way of bulldozing us over, Chase. Sometimes we get buried. Other times we get up and brush ourselves off. But doing so takes a lot of energy. Some people get to the point where they no longer have enough energy to keep going, to keep pushing. To wade through the darkness to find the light. Especially if that light is merely a flicker.”
I wasn’t sure if what I said would help, but right now I felt helpless and I had nothing else to give him. As an author, you’d think I’d know the right words to say. Unfortunately, that wasn’t how it worked. Fictional characters were just that and a living, breathing person’s suffering couldn’t begin to compare.
Once I rose from the rocking chair, I moved Timber out of the way so I could go to my knees at Chase’s feet. After wrapping my arms around his waist, I lay my head in his lap. It wasn’t exactly an embrace but it was a physical connection. Whether he needed or appreciated me holding him or not, I didn’t know. However, I needed it myself after everything I’d just learned.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m sorry you lost the man you loved. But you were right, your loss was nothing like mine. I miss my brother so much that it still hurts years later, but his death was caused by an untimely and unfortunate accident. Thomas’s was intentional. By easing his suffering, he handed it off to you. He might not have even been aware that would happen.”
“Probably not, since he wasn’t thinking clearly. I found out later he stopped taking his meds and going to therapy for a while because he mistakenly thought he was better.” When he went to spin his wedding band, of course, it wasn’t there.
I sat up, grabbed his hand and pressed my lips to the ring of pale skin circling his finger. The indentation left behind would eventually fill out and the skin would tan enough to match the rest of him. Or one day another ring could very well replace it.
Chase closed his eyes and whispered, “I’m afraid of forgetting him.”
“You don’t need your ring to remember him.”
“Touching it is a habit. A way for me to feel closer to him.”
“It’s habit now, but even without your ring, I promise you won’t ever forget him. You couldn’t, Chase, even if you tried because he left his mark here.” I pressed my fingers over his heart. “We don’t forget the ugly and we don’t forget the beautiful. We tend to forget the mediocre. And from what you’ve told me, your love was far from mediocre.”
“No matter how strong our love was, it couldn’t heal the damage already done.”
Unfortunately, in this case, that was true. “Sometimes love isn’t enough, no matter how strong it is, and that’s not your fault. You loved him more than anyone and I’m sure he knew that. Think of all the good years you surrounded him with your love and acceptance.”
He nodded and blew out a breath, turning his dark eyes down to me, still on my knees, clinging to him to show my support. “I’ve never told anyone any of this. I didn’t think I’d ever be capable of it. I’m not even sure why I told you. But one thing I do know, I never want to talk about it again.”
“I’ll take it as a compliment that you were comfortable enough around me to tell me. Thank you for sharing so I could understand what you’re dealing with.”
He had opened up to me and I considered that a huge step. For him and for us.
Of course, I realized there wasn’t an ‘us.’ But him telling me what he did meant he trusted me enough to do so and proved he valued my friendship, so I was taking that as a positive step forward. I hoped things would continue to grow between us from here on out.
We could work on the rest as slowly or as quickly as Chase wanted. I was willing to give him all the time he needed. However, if he didn’t want the same as I did, if he wanted us to remain platonic, I would accept that, too.
I was simply grateful to find someone I could relate to living so close.
As soon as he stood and drew me to my feet, he went over to stand at the railing. Where the sun was in the sky caught my attention.