It was like having a whip cracked right beside him. He thought of Laurie and everything within him curled away.
“Love is – not something I wish to discuss.”
Her laugh was a short bark. “But love is the only reason I’ve ever thought I’d get married.” She bit down on her lip, so he ached to touch her there. “Love is the only thing I want. All my life I’ve been made to feel like I wasn’t worthy of that – don’t you see, Elon? No one’s ever loved me. No one. And if I were to marry you, knowing you’d never love me either, it would honestly be a fate worse than death.” Her throat shifted as she swallowed. “I want to tell you something, but I know that once I’ve said it, you’ll hate me. I know you’ll walk away from me and never want to see me again. Okay?”
He didn’t tell her he could never hate her, but he thought it.
“When I was in Salim, a small part of me was hoping I was pregnant, but mostly, I hoped and prayed that I wasn’t.”
He squared his shoulders, tensing against her sentence, rejecting it.
“I knew that if I was pregnant, you’d stop coming to my room altogether. My usefulness to you would have been fulfilled, and I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting for you to tire of me, to have sired your offspring and moved on.” The last words were swallowed by a sob.
“And then this morning, when I realised I hadn’t conceived, all I could feel was grief, and pain. I had no idea how badly I actually wanted to be pregnant. I’d misunderstood my feelings completely. I was devastated. And you were nowhere.” Her eyes held unmasked accusation.
“Ella,” he rushed towards her, drawing her into his arms despite the fact he’d told himself he wouldn’t use their physical connection. This wasn’t about anything other than comfort. He wanted to hold her tight and make this better. He wanted to admit all the ways in which he’d failed her.
“I don’t care that you’re not pregnant, habibti.” He frowned, stroking her soft, pale hair. “I mean, I care. I care that you’re sad and that I wasn’t there, but this is just one month and when I proposed to you it was with the intention of spending every month for the rest of our lives together.”
“You made the best of a bad situation,” she said against his chest.
“Nothing about the situation with you was bad.” He swallowed against a knot in his throat, and the uncomfortable certainty that he had all the making up to do. “Except for my behaviour, of which I’ll always be ashamed.”
He felt her stiffen and then shake, and he pulled her back a little, looking down into her face with pity. “You were just being yourself.”
“No, that’s the strangest thing. Since meeting you, I have behaved in every way contrary to my usual self. I intended to choose my wife with the advice of my cabinet, to find someone who was calm and dull, who my people would accept, if not love. And then I met you and all of that went out the window. You would be my perfect Emira, but there is nothing dull about even a single hair on your head.”
She closed her eyes, biting down on that full lower lip of hers. He stood perfectly still, drinking in the sight of her.
“The thing is, Elon, I know you don’t want me to be miserable, and I would be if I married you. I’d be on tenterhooks waiting for you to come to me, waiting for you to smile at me, wondering if this would be the day you might actually talk to me. I can’t live my life like that.”
Shame at the way he’d treated her was an anvil at his temple. “Part of what I have been considering these last few days is what changes are necessary to make you happy. Of course you should have the ability to contact me at any time. To see me when you wish. Share my bed, habibti, be a part of my life for as long as you wish, not just when you think it suits me. I want you to be a real partner to me.”
Her intake of breath was like the raising of an executioner’s axe. He waited for it to fall or not, knowing he wouldn’t breathe again until he got an answer.
“I’m surprised by how tempted I am by that offer,” she said quietly, so softly he had to strain to hear her. “But it’s not enough.” Her smile was wistful and he felt the pain behind it. “I think in time you’ll be relieved I didn’t fall pregnant. There’s some other princess out there who’s far better suited for you. Please just – forget about me, Elon.”