‘I can’t sleep.’
She stared at him, the words making no sense.
‘Then you should go see a doctor. See if they’ll prescribe you something.’
‘It wouldn’t help.’
‘I’m sure it would.’
He shook his head. ‘Every time I close my eyes I see your face on that last morning in Greece. I see the way you looked at me when you told me you loved me and I didn’t say it back, and I feel as though something is being twisted in my chest, the blade of a dagger, I don’t know. And then I’m wide awake again. I just...need to know that you’re okay. That’s all.’
Her heart stuttered. She turned away with the pretence of reaching for her coffee, cradling it in her hands, taking a perverse pleasure in denying him the same courtesy. It was childish, yet she didn’t care.
‘I’m fine.’ Pride came to her rescue. She’d begged him to love her once. She wouldn’t do it again.
He nodded slowly, his eyes scanning her face.
Please go.She couldn’t handle this much longer.
‘Fine.’ He dragged a hand through his hair. ‘Good.’ He frowned. ‘I’m...glad.’
He turned towards the door and took two steps in that direction then made a deep noise of frustration, pivoting to face her. His eyes pinned her to the spot, his features a mask of something she couldn’t fathom. He stared at her long and hard, so the air between them became thick with unspoken words, and then he swore, a dark, throaty curse in his native Greek, a word that reverberated around her kitchen again and again.
‘Damn it, Beatrice. I can’t do this.’
She wasn’t capable of speaking.
‘I can’t be the man you want me to be. Do you have any idea how much I want to give you what you want?’ He strode towards her and she braced for that as best she could, but it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t prepared to be so close she could see the flecks of silver in his grey eyes, breathe in the scent of his alpine cologne, mingled with her spilled coffee.
‘It’s not that I don’t love you.’
She almost choked on her breath.
‘It’s that I don’t want you to love me. I need you to stop. Tell me you made a mistake and that you were wrong. I can’t bear to think of you feeling that way about me.’
He waited, staring at her, his chest feeling as though it had been cracked in two. His eyes pleaded with her to give him what he needed. He couldn’t live in a world where Beatrice loved him. The thought of disappointing her, of letting her down in some vital way, was the worst thing he could contemplate.
Hell, he’d already let her down. He could see the hurt in her face even now, days after that disastrous conversation.
She wasn’t okay.
And he didn’t know how to make her okay.
‘There was no mistake.’ She blinked at him, as though just realising something. ‘And there are no regrets.’ He was unprepared for her hand lightly brushing his chest, the flatness of her palm against his heart, as though she couldn’t resist feeling him there. ‘I’ll always love you and, even though that hurts like hell right now, I’m grateful. I never thought I’d fall in love.’ Her lips twisted in a poor imitation of a smile. ‘I wouldn’t trade the experience of falling in love with you for anything. The time we spent together was honestly the best weeks of my life.’
Her words rang with courage. He closed his eyes against it, wondering at the way the world was shifting beneath his feet, old certainties seeming to erode in the face of her determination.
‘Don’t you see, Ares? You’re off the hook; don’t beat yourself up with guilt here. You don’t have to love me back. Just spending that time together was a gift.’ She sniffed and he fixed his eyes on her face in time to see a single teardrop fall from the corner of one of her beautiful, expressive eyes. ‘I’m not okay right now, but I will be. The pain will fade, and then I’ll just have those memories. Good memories, almost all of them.’
Her heart was open to him, beautiful and forgiving, if only he’d get over his own fears and accept it. But life had made him cautious. Her heart might not have been broken, in spite of what she’d been through, but he feared his was.
And yet she was being so brave! What must it have taken Bea to face her feelings? To confide the truth of them to him. Didn’t she deserve as much in return?
He ground his teeth together, his stomach unsteady as he tried to find words without overthinking them.
‘I’ve never known anyone like you. I’d planned to fly out of London after my meeting with Clare, you know. I wasn’t meant to remain here, but then I met you and you suggested I come back the next day, and I invented every excuse in the world just to see you again. You bewitched me from the start.’
Her eyes were wide but awash with disbelief. ‘You were unimpressed.’