She told herself it was relief she was experiencing as the cab driver loaded her suitcase into the boot, the engine idling. She gave one last look at his exquisite home, then slid into the back seat of the car, dark glasses in place.
It was only once she’d checked in her suitcase at the buzzing Fiumicino airport that she dared to call Luca. She’d contemplated leaving a note at his house, but that had felt wrong. And she’d known she couldn’t see him again, couldn’t say what she needed to say face to face. It was cowardly, but self-preservation instincts were in overdrive.
He answered after one ring. ‘Olivia.’
God, she would miss hearing him say her name. ‘Luca.’
‘How are you?’
She squeezed her eyes shut as tears filled her gaze. ‘I’m fine,’ she lied, shaking her head a little. ‘Look, there was so much I didn’t say last night, because I couldn’t find the words at the time, and I was scared to admit what I wanted, when you were offering something so reasonable and sensible, something I might have jumped at, in another life.’
Each of his breaths was audible as he waited for her to continue.
‘The thing is, the way my father treated my mother, it’s just like you said—love turned to hate. They did love each other at one time, and they were happy, and then things went wrong, he never forgave her, and she was miserable. She’s still miserable. There’s nothing quite so awful as being married to someone you love, who doesn’t love you back.’ The words hung between them like little blades.
‘But what I was offering cut that concern out of the equation.’
Her smile was bitter. ‘For you, perhaps, but not for me.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘I know that.’ Despite her efforts, a sob caught in her throat, punctuating the final word.
‘Olivia, what is it? You’re upset.’
‘No.’ She blinked around the terminal, the fluorescent light too bright, even with her dark sunglasses. A voice came over the speakers, muffled by static. She stood, pulling her handbag strap over her shoulder.
‘Where are you?’
‘I’m at the airport.’ She sniffed.
‘The airport? What the hell? Your flight’s tomorrow.’
‘I moved it forward.’
‘Why?’
‘What’s the point in drawing this out? We want different things.’
‘Because I asked you to stay another three months?’
‘Because you asked me to stay only another three months.’
‘To begin with,’ he insisted, muffled noise in the background. ‘You were the one who balked at the idea of a real marriage—’
‘But that’s not what you were offering.’
‘You know what I mean—a lasting marriage, like we have now, but ongoing. I thought three months would reassure you that there was an escape clause.’
‘I don’t want an escape clause.’
‘Then why are you at the airport?’
She groaned, tilting her head back to stare at the ceiling. ‘I realised something, last night. When you were offering a perfectly reasonable loveless relationship, a marriage founded, in fact, on the absence of love, I came to understand that it’s the exact opposite of what I want. I love you, Luca. Somehow, I fell in love with you, despite having sworn I’d never love anyone. And if I stay here in Rome, with you, I’ll start to hope you’ll love me back, and the hoping will make me miserable, just like my mother was.’
‘What did you just say?’
She moved towards the boarding gate, tears streaming down her cheeks now.
‘My worst fear is being married to someone I love, who doesn’t love me back. I know what that can do to a person, and I can’t do it to myself—even for one more night. Now that I understand how I feel about you, I have no choice but to leave.’
‘Olivia—’
‘It’s okay,’ she interrupted. ‘I’ve thought about this from every angle. I just wish I was brave enough to have said this to your face, so that you could see the genuine gratitude in my eyes when I thank you for what you did for me.’
He groaned almost inaudibly. ‘Stay. Spend tonight with me.’ His voice was deep and throaty. ‘Come home.’
‘But this isn’t my home,’ she said with finality. ‘And you’re not really my husband. You never were. A marriage isn’t a marriage without love, we both know that.’ She waited for him to disagree, bracing for it, and then, after a long pause, shook her head. ‘Goodbye, Luca.’