His lips quirked in something like a mocking smile, as though he understood why she’d resisted the chair, but he came to stand opposite her, and all the air in the room seemed to disappear for a moment, so Millie struggled to draw breath. Time lost its ordinary function. The past was right there, so she almost wanted to smile, as she had done years ago, whenever they’d been alone in a room together. He was dressed all in black, and it suited him, somehow making him seem bigger and more commanding – like he needed help in that department.
“You said you discovered you were pregnant a month after leaving Abu Qara?”
She grimaced, trying to bring her focus back to the matter at hand. “Straight to it?”
“Would you prefer a prologue of small talk?”
What Millie would have preferred was unrealistic. She wanted the tension between them to disappear. She wanted things to be as they were then – but that was impossible, and she had to remember all the reasons why.
“What if I were to stay here, Zaf? What if I put off university for a year or so?”
He frowned, as though she’d begun to speak in a foreign language. “Why would you do that?”
The ground had seemed unstable beneath her feet but she’d pushed on, sure he’d simply misunderstood her suggestion. “Well, for one thing, it would mean I could stay with you,” she said, sliding into his lap. “I’ve realised, lately, that there’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here.” She pressed a hand to his chest, feeling the solid thumping of his heart. “With you.” And because she was young and naïve and had only ever been treated with kindness, Millie didn’t sense danger in his silence. “I love you. It doesn’t make any sense to leave.”
He’d shifted her off his lap, standing and pacing towards the windows. “You have to go. Your life is in England.”
“I’m saying I want a different life now. Now that I’ve met you, everything back home feels so…pale and cool, like I was living in black and white before we met and now life is technicolour.”
He’d flinched. “Our affair was always going to end.”
Affair? She’d frowned at the word. “Why?”
“Because we want different things.”
“You don’t want me?” She’d teased, not realising the tone, and how it had shifted.
“I want you to go,” he’d said firmly, emphatically, without a hint of doubt. “This has been an enjoyable distraction, but nothing worth changing plans for. You have a life in England and you must get back to it, just as I must continue with my life here.”
Her heart was careening to a halt, pain was lashing the back of her mind but she refused to stop. This was Zafar, the man she’d spent months falling in love with, the man who’d been her first lover, her first love. “I’m saying that if I stayed, I could be a part of that life. Just as I have been these last few months.”
“And I’m saying I don’t want that.” He’d crossed the room, crouching before her. “You’ve misunderstood what we’ve been doing, Amelia. That’s my fault. You’re so young and inexperienced, I should have realised there was a risk of this. I’m sorry. I’ve enjoyed spending time together, sleeping with you, being with you. But that’s over now. While I’ve enjoyed our time together, I’ve never thought of you beyond this.”
“Sex,” she repeated numbly, her eyes studying his face, trying to find a hint of a joke there, to see that he was – surely – making this up, for some reason? But all she could see was intense seriousness in his eyes.
“Great sex,” he agreed with a nod. “But temporary, and ultimately meaningless.” He’d pressed a finger to her chin, lifting her eyes to his. “For both of us. You’ll move on soon enough, Amelia, you’ll forget all about me.”
“As you’ll forget about me?”
“Small talk isn’t helpful,”she said belatedly. “It’s better if we stick to the issue at hand.”
“The fact you’re pregnant with my child.”
The reality of that was something she still found earth-shattering to contemplate. She nodded once.
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“No. My obstetrician has a note on my file but I asked not to be told. I want a surprise.”
He considered that. “I would like to know.”
Her heart stammered. “Why?” Something unpalatable pulled on her. “Is one of more value to you, Zafar? Will it change your thinking if it turns out I’m pregnant with a boy, rather than a girl?”
To his credit, he looked genuinely taken aback. “It’s simply that I want all the facts.”
She expelled a shaky breath, trying to calm her rattling nerves. “I don’t see how the baby’s gender has any impact on our discussion here today.”
“You’re right.”