“He will.”
She pushed away from the table, stalking to the window and staring out, her body pulsing with angst. “You find it easy to draw up lines and stick to them. I don’t. I’m vulnerable where you’re concerned, Zafar.”
“And why do you think that is?” He asked, without knowing why.
“Because I thought I loved you once.” Her answer was deeply unsatisfying to him.
“But you’re different now.”
‘Yes,” she conceded. “You made me different.”
A prickle of regret ran the length of his spine. “I never had any intention of hurting you.”
Her half-smile showed scepticism. “You’re used to sleeping with women who see the world as you do. Perhaps you thought I was like them; but I wasn’t then and I’m not now. I no longer believe sex is a sign of love – that’s stupid – but I do think it should mean something. I do think it’s special, and sleeping with you is a betrayal of that belief.” She pulled her hair over one shoulder, the action drawing his eyes, the understated elegance of her fingers as they toyed with the lengths mesmerising. What she didn’t tell Zafar was how terrified she was. She couldn’t let him come to mean anything to her again. She couldn’t let herself fall for him. Not when she knew what cruelty he was capable of. Her heart deserved better, second time around.
“I never thought you were like that.” A frown etched across his lips. “I was selfish with you.”
“Yes,” she rushed to agree. He had been. He’d taken what he wanted, uncaring for the fallout she experienced.
“I should never have allowed things between us to turn into what they were,” he continued, as though she hadn’t spoken, “but I told myself you understood, that the fact you were leaving Abu Qara at the end of the summer meant we were safe.” He shook his head. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
She lifted her shoulders, showing scepticism. “It doesn’t matter now. I learned a valuable lesson, and that’s precisely why I can’t sleep with you again. Because even though I know who you are and what you’re capable of, even though I understand the parameters of what you want from me, I don’t trust myself not to forget. If I were to fall under your spell again, I don’t know that I’d be strong enough to leave you. Not with a baby in the mix.” Her eyes were awash with turmoil and he ached to take that pain away from her. He ached to kiss her, but her words held him right where he was, feet planted to the floor.
“But I’m also a pragmatist, Zafar. Four months is a long time for a man like you. If you want to conduct discreet affairs, I’ll understand.” She held his gaze for long enough that Zafar understood she was being genuine, and he was gripped by an urge to start destroying his apartment, ripping ancient paintings from the wall and throwing them to the ground.
“Hell, Amelia,” he growled, disgusted by the idea. “You aren’t the only one who was changed by what we shared. I let amazing sex blind me to your emotional needs and I swore I’d never do that to another woman. If you think I walk into casual affairs night after night then you’re wrong.”
Her features didn’t change and he wanted to convince her more than anything of the veracity of his statement.
“It’s fine,” she said, stiffly. “I understand the way you are. If you need…that…then I’d prefer you to look elsewhere. I’m not just some body you can use to…”
“Scratch an itch,” he supplied with distaste, repeating the same words she’d used earlier.
“Right,” she nodded, turning away from him, so all he could see was the way her throat shifted as she swallowed, her features in profile still tight with tension.
“That’s not what last night was,” he said firmly, loudly, surprising himself with his vehemence.
She turned to face him. “No? Then what was it?”
Great question. Somehow, she’d tied him in knots, so he didn’t know what he could say that would reassure and calm her.
“It was a mistake,” Amelia brought them neatly back to her earlier assessment. She offered him a tight smile then began to move towards their bedroom. His eyes followed her gaze, discontentment bursting through Zafar.
“Wait.”
She turned to face him expectantly, except whatever he’d intended to say had scattered from his brain like sand in a desert storm.
“I’m sorry,” he said instead, the words pulled from his very core.
“Don’t be. You didn’t coerce me in any way, Zafar. Last night, I got caught up in something I shouldn’t have, that’s all. I won’t let it happen again, so please, feel free to keep your little black book close at hand anytime the urge takes you.”