“I don’t want this,” she sobbed. Agony clenched my chest as I stared at her—helpless. I was fuckinghelpless.
He ran his hand over her hair as I watched on, unable to leave her side. I wouldn’t abandon her. No matter how much agony swirled in my gut, I wouldnotfucking leave her again. I made her a promise, and I wasn’t fucking breaking that promise.
“We’ll figure that out after this baby is born,” he told her softly, speaking to her and getting through to her in only a way he could. “But right now, you need to breathe, and you need to focus on delivering this baby because one day, youwillbe well enough to take care of it and love it, and you don’t want the memory of this day to be tarnished, you hear me?”
“I can’t be its mom,” Bailey sobbed.
A tear ran down my cheek. I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to contain the rest of my tears. I didn’t deserve to cry, butfuck, this shit was ripping me apart inside. I couldn’t help her.
“You can, and you will, Bailey. I’m here. I’ve got you, and Seth still hasn’t left. He’s keeping his promise to you, little sis. He’s not leaving you.”
She slowly turned her head to look at me. I swallowed thickly at the tormented look in her eyes.
“I’m still here, baby girl,” I rasped. “I’m here. I haven’t left.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking, but she didn’t reach out to me.
I shook my head despite the pain ripping through my soul. “Nothing to be sorry for, baby girl. I’ll never leave your side again.”
This time, she did reach for me, and I felt her relax a little as soon as my hand was in hers. And we stayed like that for hours as her labor progressed. Trent and Stephen took turns being in the room, but Trent never stayed gone long. Because Bailey started freaking out again when he was gone for more than a few minutes.
And when it was time for Bailey to push, to bring our baby into this world, Stephen stayed out because no matter how badly he wanted to be in the room for this, Bailey needed her older brother by her side.
She needed the one man who hadalwaysbeen a constant in her life, the one man who hadneverlet her down.
Not like I had.
* * *
Bailey gavebirth to a healthy baby girl. She had a head full of dark hair and sparkling, blue eyes. She weighed eight pounds even and was twenty inches long.
And she was screaming her head off. When the nurses tried to place the baby on Bailey’s chest, Bailey pushed the baby away, wanting nothing to do with it. She looked panicked at the sound of our little girl crying and screaming.
I didn’t know what to do.
“Go,” Trent quietly urged as he gathered Bailey close to him, consoling her as she sobbed, so broken and confused.
“I want her, but I can’t—” Bailey sobbed into Trent’s chest.
“Go,” Trent told me again. “She needs one of her parents, so go.”
I shakily pressed a kiss to Bailey’s lips, telling her how proud I was of her before she told me the same thing.
“I can’t,” she told me, her voice breaking, making it hard to understand her. “Please love her. I can’t right now.”
I couldn’t stop my tears that time. I left Bailey’s side and went to go love our daughter—love her extra so she might feel Bailey’s love, too.
All the while I watched the nurse fiddle over our baby girl, I listened to Bailey cry and ask why she had to be so fucked up, why she couldn’t be a mom.
It’s because of me, baby girl. I’m the reason you’re fucked up.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I stared down at my little girl. “I’m so damn sorry,” I apologized to them both, wishing I could do more than just fucking apologize.
Because apologies weren’t going to fix the shit I’d done to Bailey. Apologies weren’t going to repair all the damage I’d done.
15
Stephen