Defeat hits me like a brick. I came all the way here to talk to him, and I didn’t even speak up. Embarrassment–defeat’s less-pretty cousin–floods me. I shouldn’t be here, I should have just internalized my panic attack, and I’d be sitting at my reception right now. Instead, I’m standing in a dirty wedding dress at a rock show with tear stained cheeks and a wheeze in my lungs from lack of oxygen.
People pass me, none of them paying too much attention to me, but they eye the dress and continue walking. I push myself off the wall finally, not wanting to be here when they get done like some desperate woman. I walk with my head down towards the exit; I feel like a kicked puppy, my emotions ranging from anger, to embarrassment and…finality. This feels final in a way I never thought possible. I may never see him again. I stare at the floor as I walk through the hallway, praying no one recognizes me, being social right now feels akin to pulling my eyelashes out one by one. Life’s funny in a way that one moment you think you’re all put back together and over everything that’s ever hurt you, and the next, you're crying down a crowded hallway because the person you thought had broken you beyond repair came back for seconds.
I try to remind myself that he didn’t know I was here, he has no loyalty to me other than some promises we made years ago, and I was about to get married to someone else. But it still fucking hurts. Staring at the cracked cement below my feet, I don’t notice someone coming out of the open door next to me, and my face makes contact with a broad chest. A gasp of surprise leaves my lips at the fact that I didn’t make a face imprint on their white shirt. I take a step back and start to apologize for being so damn clumsy, but a pair of striking blue eyes meet mine, and the apology I held on my tongue feels like it needs to come out for an entirely different reason. Alex stands in the doorway looking at me like he’s seen a ghost. His blonde hair is damp like he took a shower or his sweat has drenched the strands. His eyes hold mine for a moment before a slow smile pulls at his lips.
“Bristol?” He asks rhetorically. “Holy shit! What are you doing here? What are you wearing?” His head bounces from my face to the gown and then back up to me. His smile stays in place though, at least someone is happy to see me.
“I don’t know.” I say sadly, my shoulders dropping suddenly. The weight of everything that’s happened today hitting me all at once.
“Well, you’re wearing a wedding dress, it looks like.” He smiles. “You look beautiful, so that’s an answer to one of the questions.”
“I came…” I start, but I can’t say the words; I can’t tell him I left my wedding to chase after a crazy promise that may or may not still stand. I can’t tell him that I lost my mind and got on a plane to see Rhyit and found him balls deep in another girl. “To see Rhyit, but he’s otherwise preoccupied.” I look towards the floor, not wanting him to see how pathetic I feel.
Alex winces, his facial expression relaying he knows what I mean. I take a deep breath and pull my bottom lip in between my teeth, biting at the skin there.
“He’s never going to change, is he?” I ask finally. “I thought after all this time, he’d be different, but he’s worse.” I croak, my cheeks flame as I say the words. Without hesitation, Alex grabs my arm and pulls me into the green room he just walked out of, shutting the door behind him. He pulls me into his arms, hugging me like I might disappear. I rest my head against his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart. His palm runs up and down my spine, the motion calming me more than it should. Alex has had a crush on me for years, and I’ve always tried to keep him at arm's length, never wanting to lead him on.
“I missed you.” He murmurs against my hair.
“I missed you too.” I reply against his chest, my tears leaving a black spot against the white T-shirt. I pull my head back from his chest and try to run my thumb along the smudge, but it doesn’t do anything but smear more.
“Sorry.” I cringe, looking away from the shirt to look up at him.
“Don’t worry about it, you can use my shirt as a tissue anytime.” He laughs lightly, but it’s then that I notice his pupils are pinpoints.
“Are you okay?” I ask, inspecting his appearance further. He looks like he normally does, but his face is a little thinner than the last time I saw him.
“Never better.” He smiles, and I don’t push further. Alex has always had an affinity for substances. He knows his limits, I remind myself. This isn’t his first rodeo.
“You want to explain why you’re in a wedding dress at a rock concert? If you were looking to make a scene, you definitely got one.”
“It’s my wedding day, but I pulled a runaway bride and ended up here. I needed to see him, Alex.” I reply honestly.
“One lucky guy and one very unlucky guy.” He exclaims.
“Something like that, neither one of them feels very lucky today though.” I sigh loudly. “I really thought he’d be happy to see me, that we could talk and maybe get the ending to this chapter. I just needed to know.” I confess. “I guess people never change.”
“I’d change for you.” He states matter-of-factly. “I’d give everything up for you. Hell, if you wanted me to get a real job and stay home with the kids on a Saturday night so you could go to book club with your friends, I would. I’d give you the world on a platter if you’d let me.”
I close my eyes, letting his words seep in deeper.
“I love you, Bristol. I’ve loved you all along.” He professes his face holding so much hope that I can feel my heart physically break further in two.
“I love you too, Alex. But I gave my heart away a long time ago, and even if he doesn’t want it, it wouldn’t be fair to love you with only half of my heart. You deserve someone who could love you fully, the way you deserve to be loved.” Tears sit just below my eyes as I tell him I’m not worth his love right now.
“Don’t change for me, don’t change for anyone, stay exactly the way you are right now and let love find you.” I whisper, my voice breaking. I stare up at him as I say the words, hopeful that my words will resonate with him. He’s perfect the way he is, just not perfect for me. Hurt mars his handsome face as he pulls his plump bottom lip between his teeth and nods slowly. His eyes swim with emotion that he won’t let go.
“Can I ask one favor?” He says, his voice a low croak. God dammit, I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want him to feel this pain along with me.
“Anything.” I say, because outside of my heart, I can give him whatever he wants right now.
“Can I kiss you?” He whispers like he’s nervous, and his eyes hold mine as I weigh the pros and the cons of a single kiss. It can’t hurt him anymore than I already have at this point so I nod.
He steps forward into my space, and his hand lifts up to cup the side of my face. I rest my face further into his palm, and my chest quakes slightly. The warmth of his palm, and the sad smile on his face is almost too much for my already tattered emotions. His other palm caresses my bare cheek as his lips descend on mine. I close my eyes, and the tears I didn’t realize had collected there spill over onto my cheeks. I feel his thumb brush away a single tear, and the movement makes more form beneath my closed eyes. My chin wobbles slightly, and I try to squelch the burn at the back of my throat. This feels like goodbye, like when I see him again it will be with a passing nod not a full blown embrace. He has to let me go after this, he knows it, I know it, but it feels so damn final.
A thousand memories burst between us when his lips finally touch mine, long nights in his grandma’s garage, inside jokes from the tour bus, late nights talking about anything and everything. Every late night and long laugh blankets me as tears continue to cascade down my cheeks. I feel the tip of his tongue against my lips, and my first instinct is to pull back, but if this is the last thing I’m going to give him from our friendship, I might as well make it one he will remember. I open my lips to his tongue, and he enters my mouth with what I would call a slow knock, he isn’t breaking down the door he’s knocking, requesting entry, and the whole motion is so very Alex. I meet his tongue as he slowly slides it into my mouth, a low moan leaning him at the contact. He still holds both of my cheeks in his palms as he kisses me with every ounce of passion I’ve lacked for the past three years. After a few moments, I pull back knowing that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to keep going.
“Thank you,” he says when his eyes open again. “I’ve always wondered.” A small sad smile hits his lips.