Shit.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
Chapter Five
Kelsey
My arms feel damp inside my cardigan despite the air conditioning in the funeral home.
I never imagined my sister’s death, but if it had crossed my mind at all throughout the years, I would have assumed it would be many, many years down the road. But instead, her funeral’s happening today.
After three days of relentless tears, I thought I wouldn’t have anything left to cry. I was wrong. The tears come hard and fast, like the Great Flood streaming down my face and dripping off my chin.
And yet the setting’s somewhat beautiful. At the entrance to the funeral home, we set up a collage of photos of Jane. It was one of the recommendations they had for Marcus and me when we came a few days ago to finalize everything. The photo collage was my project for the last few days. It kept me away from Marcus and it made me feel closer to my sister.
I pause in front of my handiwork. On the right-hand corner is my favorite photo. It’s of Jane and me on a trip we took, just the two of us, right after I graduated high school. We didn’t make a plan, merely hopping into Jane’s car and driving for a few hours until we found a cute little town to stop in. The photo was taken by the innkeeper at the bed and breakfast where we stayed for a week. We’re both smiling like it’s the happiest day of our lives. It was certainly one of the best days we shared together.
Tears pool in my eyes and I wipe them with one of the hundreds of tissues I packed in my purse for today.
I’m going to keep that photo after this is over.
“It’s time,” my dad says from behind me. “People are arriving. It’s proper for the… family… to line up by the… by the…” He breaks down in tears. I pull my heartbroken dad to my chest and rub his back while he sobs. My own tears come full force again as I witness my dad’s millionth breakdown.
“I can’t believe she’s gone,” I sob into his shoulder. “We were just… she was just here, you know?”
It hits me all at once, the loss of my sister. I’ve known it was true since Mom got the call but it didn’t feel real until this moment. My sister is really gone.
My dad and I collapse to the floor. Funeral guests spot us clinging to each other, but no one makes a comment. I lost my sister, and my dad lost his daughter. We’re allowed to break down.
“Robert, Kelsey,” a deep voice says softly. I recognize Marcus immediately but can’t bring myself to meet his eyes. “Come on now. We need to get in there.”
Dad nods against me and moves to stand up. He fixes his suit coat and adjusts his tie, but doesn’t bother brushing the salt water from his face. “Let’s go, Kelsey. We should get in there.”
Marcus and Dad help me up even though I’d much rather stay on the ground where I can retreat into myself and my grief. I haven’t been able to walk into the main funeral parlor because we opted for an open casket and I can’t bear to see Jane’s silent pale face and still body.
Dad moves slowly into the parlor where my mother cries quietly beside my sister’s form. The interior of the casket is hidden from view from this angle. I stand at the doorway and try to force myself to walk in, but I can’t. My feet are magnetized to the ground.
“She looks beautiful,” Marcus says. “They did a good job with her.”
“She shouldn’t be here at all. How did this happen? How is she gone?” I say in an agonized gasp.
My body is once again wracked with heaving sobs. My beautiful, full of life sister reduced to a make-up covered corpse in a fancy wooden box. Life isn’t fair. Why do people have to die? Why do we get all of this time – or barely any time at all – to make memories, to live and learn, only to lose our consciousness to death? Death doesn’t hurt the person who dies, it hurts everyone else. We’re left with only memories of my sister. Death isn’t fair. It doesn’t care how many people loved you. It comes for everyone, and it came for Jane too soon.
Marcus rubs my back as my sobs turn to hiccups. “I know, Kelsey. It’s not fair.”
I need to keep my distance from Marcus, but right now I need a connection and he’s the only one close enough to give it to me. I wrap my arms around his neck. His hands immediately find my hips and pull me against him. I ignore the growing heat between us and focus on the gaping hole in my heart.