“I asked you a fuckin’ question, boy. Answer me.”
“Why would I think I’m worth it? You don’t! Zach is the one who does everything right. Zach is the one who makes you proud. Zach is the one who fucking matters. I’m just like ... a spare fucking tire.”
Pop stared, frowning so hard his face looked wadded up like a piece of old notebook paper.
“That’s not true,” he finally said.
Jake tried to get up, get away. Pop yanked on him again.
“Listen to me. The only one comparing you to your brother isyou, son.”
“That is such bullshit!Everybodycompares me to Zach. There’s no room for me to be whoever I am because Zach takes every inch of space!”
“That’s why he left, Jake.”
“Yeah, I know. He left to get away from me. Have to be a moron not to see that.” A voice at the back of his head tried to say that it didn’t make sense to be mad at Zach for crowding him outandto be mad at him for leaving, but Jay kicked that fucker in the face. Itallfucking sucked and he was mad about all of it.
“No,” Pop said quietly. “Zach left to give you room. And himself, too. To become the men you’re meant to be. On your own.”
Finally, Pop let go of Jay’s kutte. Jay immediately started to get to his feet and get away from this fucked-up scene, but a hard, leathery hand clamped down on his forearm before he did more than get his feet under him. He sat back down and glared at his father.
“I love you.” Pop’s voice was hoarse and emphatic. “Your mother loves you.”
“Yeah, I knowshedoes.”
“Goddammit, Jacob! Love is more than hugs and kisses. Love isn’t always about makin’ things feel good or be easy. Raisin’ a kid damn sure ain’t about that. I’m hard on you because youneedit. Yeah, I get frustrated with you. I see everything you are, but you don’t. I see everything you could be, and I want you to have it. I want you to want toearnit. But you’re so goddamn afraid of failin’ you won’t fuckin’ try.”
“Fuck you! I’m not afraid of anything!” It was a lie, but fuck, how he wanted it to be true.
Pop scowled for a moment more, then calmed slightly. “There’s a difference between courage and recklessness, son. Courage is doin’ what you have to do even if you’re scared. Recklessness is the opposite. It’s just not givin’ a fuck. I know you’re capable of courage, I’ve seen it. But you choose recklessness at every fuckin’ chance. And you’re most reckless when you’re afraid to do what you should. You’re reckless because it makes you feel brave when you’re not.”
Jay said nothing. The direct hit had sucked all the words out of his head.
“You know how I know this, Jake?” Jay still had no words. Eventually Pop answered his own question. “Because I was like it too, once. Tryin’ to get out of my older brother’s shadow any way I could. Wasn’t till he was dead and everything in my family was shit I saw what a fuckhead I’d been.”
Jay heard one thing above all in that speech: his father thought he was a fuckhead. Not a surprise, but that didn’t mean it didn’t suck. Weak. Coward. Self-destructive. Fuckhead. Conrad Jessup’s take on his second son.
He’d been coming in second in a two-man race from the moment he was conceived.
He was tired and depressed. He was just ...sad. Nothing in his life felt right. Every attempt he’d made to figure his shit out went sideways. Pop said he was too afraid to try, but hewastrying. Wasn’t he? Was he supposed to try differently? Fuck, was he even failing wrong?
“I don’t know how to do it,” he said, and could have punched himself for letting those words out.
Pop grabbed Jay’s head in both hands and drew him close, until they were face to face; any closer and Jay’s eyes would cross trying to see his old man.
“You gotta takesmartrisks, Jake. Not reckless butstrategic. You gotta have some faith in yourself and not be so goddamn worried about bein’ cool, or whatever TikTok word you kids use for that today. You gotta trust other people, too. Your family most of all. You gotta ask for help when you need it. No shame in needin’ to learn or grow. There’s only shame in not doin’ it. Fuck, son. I love you so goddamn much. I wish I knew how to make you feel it.”
Jay did know his father loved him. He’d always known that. Whatever was going on with him, or between them, it wasn’t about love. That was why it hurt so much. He was letting his old man, who loved him, down. It would be easier if Pop was just an asshole he could ignore.
The problem wasn’t love. Jay didn’t know what it was.
Was he really afraid? Was he really so much of a pussy that his whole life scared him? God, no. It couldn’t be that. Please, fuck, it couldn’t be that.
“Everything okay over here?”
Mom had come upon them unnoticed. Now she stood over them, frowning. Worried.
Pop ignored her for just a second, long enough to pull Jay even closer, so their foreheads touched, the way he did when he was feeling profound. Knowing it was a his father’s way of trying to soften a harsh moment, Jay tolerated the touch.