“I told you I love you. Never said that before in my life—toanybody. Not a parent, not a friend, not a woman. Nobody. Just you. That means something. I know we’re brand new, I know it probably seems crazy and reckless and—whatever. I don’t fucking care. Do you? You told me you love me. Did you mean it?”
“Of course I did. I love you. But ... Coop, I can’t be crazy or reckless. I have Geneva to think about. I have to be smart and careful.”
“I get that. I do. But here’s the thing: what happened last night? That’s a hard reboot, isn’t it? Everything that was ... just isn’t anymore. That life wasdeleted, for all three of us. I need a new place, new clothes, new ... fuckingdishes, all of it. You do, too. And Geneva. Our old lives are ash.”
“And our new lives rise up from the ashes.” She recalled her thought from earlier, how this new life was already so much better than the one that had burned away. How it was beautiful.
His grin returned, full force. “Like a phoenix, yeah.”
“That’s a beautiful thought, Coop. But ... the reality is that we hated each other most of the time we’ve known each other. We’ve only been a couple for a tiny little while, and I’m a mess. I know that. I get stressed and lose my shit. Most of the time I feel like everything in my life is conspiring against me, and I end up acting like an asshole. I’m not easy to be around, much less love. We need to be smart and make sure we work before we make a big move like living together.”
“First, I’ve never hated you. You pissed me the fuck off, yeah. But I never hated you.”
Siena ducked her head, feeling guilty. She was pretty sure she’d hated him.
He lifted her chin on his fingers. “Second, no, you’re not easy. But I love that. I love your fight, because I see where it comes from. My mom resented the fuck out of me before I was even born. My dad could take me or leave me most of the time. Nobody ever fucking fought for me. I had to learn to fight for myself. But you—all your fight is forGeneva. What you’ve done to protect her, to be there for her ...”
“Not enough. I’ve never been able to do enough. Her life is shit, too.”
“If that’s true—and I’m not saying it is, butifit’s true, it’s because you’ve been on your own, having to do it all. Which brings me to my third point. You’ve been stressed because you’ve been doing everything on your own. A fuck ton more shit than most people have to deal with, and you’re doing it all on your own.” He leaned back and spread his arms. “But now you’re not alone, and you don’t have to do everything. Share it with me.”
Siena could only stare. Her brain was spinning so fast she could practically hear it. What he was offering ... god. He was offering so much. More than a soft place to land. More than a fresh start. He was offering her—and Geneva—a better life. Fuller and stronger and healthier. Happier.
If it was real. If it could last. If how they felt about each other was deep enough to hold. And if she could trust that it was.
When she didn’t fill in the quiet of his pause, he leaned close again and picked up her hands. “Here’s what I see: we find a house we both love. You quit your job, if you want, and stay with Geneva. Do the homeschooling thing with her, if you want. Or you find work you like better—or go to college, if you want. We can get Geneva a tutor, if that would be better. Whatever we decide, we build a nice, safe, square little life where you find things you enjoy and fill your days with that. Geneva does the same. And me, too. We make a happy family of people who like their lives. For a change.” He grinned. “And when we fight, the making up will be excellent.”
Tears filled Siena’s smoke-singed eyes and made them sting. She’d been treading water in the middle of the ocean, struggling to keep her head up, and her sister’s, for so long without any sign of land or ship or any hope for either. But now here Cooper was, reaching down, seeking her hand.
Rising from the ashes or rescue from drowning. The metaphors in her head were mixed, but they shared an elemental truth: salvation.
But she had to be smart. Shehadto be. Right now, Cooper loved her, and thought he understood her fight. Right now, she loved him, and thought she could deal with an outlaw life. But what if they were wrong? If she agreed to what he wanted—what she wanted, too—and folded her life and her sister’s into his, climbed into his boat and let him rescue them, and they fell apart like everything in her life always had, where would that leave her and Geneva? She couldn’t start from nothing again, not all on her own.
So she took a deep breath, found calm, and said, “I want to be able to say yes. I wish I could. But I can’t. Not yet. We’re too new, too unknown. I have to be careful for Geneva’s sake.”
She was afraid she’d hurt his feelings, and a little afraid how he’d react from that place. He could be mean when he was hurt. But he surprised her and smiled.
“I know it’s got to feel like a crazy risk. I know you have to be careful for your sister. But it’s not a risk, Siena. Not for you. I love you. I never felt this before, and loving you and your sister, having you to care about, and to take care of, fills me out. You make me a better man. I won’t ever walk away from that.”
Hearing a scary idea in the undertone of his words, Siena shook her head. “No, Coop. If you love me because of how that makes you feel aboutyou, I don’t see how that lasts. I don’t want to be ... like, a mirror for you to see yourself a kind of way.”
He stopped her with a tug of her hand. “I’m saying it wrong. That’s not it at all. I’m usually pretty good with words, but I don’t have any for this. I’ve got a lot oflines, a lot of pretty things to make girls blush and giggle, but none of that meant anything to me. You mean something. Maybe you mean everything. I’m trying to explain something I’m just figuring out, and that’s ...” He stopped, dropped his head, thought a few seconds, and looked up again. “I love you for you. For your fight, and your courage, for your laugh, for your strength and for the way you love Geneva. I love you for the way you’re brave enough to let me see when you feel tired or weak. I love you for you. I’m trying to explain how loving you is changing me.”
Stunned, Siena had to swallow hard before she could say, “Oh. You said it better that time.”
“Good. And you love me?”
“Yes,” she answered at once. Feeling like she should reciprocate after his wonderful speech, she said, “I love you for—”
But he stopped her with another tug and a shake of his head. “You don’t need to tell me. I don’t need any convincing. Those three words do it just fine for me.”
She felt like such a bitch, holding back while he laid his beating heart in her hands. “I’m sorry I needed more.”
“Don’t be. You’ve got more at risk. You’re careful and brave enough to say no even when yes would be easier. I’m just telling you I won’t let you fall. If you stop loving me—and I ain’t easy, either—and want to leave someday, I still won’t let you fall.”
How on earth had she ever hated this man? “God, Cooper,” she whispered.
His grin returned. Only about half wattage, but with a promise for more. “Hey—you said youneededmore. Past tense. Does that mean you’ve got what you need?”