“I've got you, always.”
The two of us get off the phone, and I steady my breathing as I come to terms with everything.
I know what I have to do.
It's the only way.
I come home after class to switch out my books. It's a pain in the ass, living a fifteen-minute walk from campus. Usually I suck it up and bring all my books with me, but rushing out the door today, I forgot.
Zayn's car sits right outside, and the thought of seeing him again after our argument earlier has me wanting to scream. It's one thing to deal with a breakup, but it's another when you live with the guy who broke up with you. I make a mental note to contact the housing office and ask where they're at with the repairs. If I'm lucky, maybe it will be finished early, and I can get the hell out of here. It might be easier if I didn't have to look at him every day.
Walking through the door, I go to head up the stairs, but the sight of Zayn in the kitchen has me stopping short. He's leaning against the island, literally shaking. His phone lights up in his back pocket, but he doesn't acknowledge it at all.
“Zayn?” I ask, standing in the doorway.
He spins around to face me and his eyes widen. “What are you doing home?”
“I need to switch out my books.” I look down and see his hand is bleeding from his nails digging into his palm. “Are you okay?”
He drops his head but doesn't answer me as he turns away. I don't think in all the time I've known him, that I've ever seen him like this. He's so on edge I don't even know what to say to get through to him. When I realize there's probably nothing I can say, I sigh.
“It didn't mean nothing, you know,” he says just as I go to leave. “Things between us. The feelings and everything, they weren't one-sided.”
“I know,” I answer honestly.
The problem was never that I thought he didn't feel anything for me. It was that he didn't feel enough. Not enough to stand up to Easton. Not enough to fight for us. Not enough to push through even when shit got hard.
He comes over and puts the uninjured hand against my cheek. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You were the last thing I expected, but there was nothing I could do to keep myself from you. You're so perfect, and you don't even realize it. I had no choice but to fall in love with you.”
The admission sucks the breath right out of me, but when I open my mouth to respond, he stops me.
“Just listen. I need you to hear this,” he says, and I nod. “You need to know that if I had it my way, we would get our happily ever after. If it were up to me, there isn't a thing in this world that could take you from me. We'd spend our Sunday mornings wrapped in each other's arms, making jokes about who hogs the bed more. We would be happy.”
“We still can be,” I cry. “All we need is each other.”
He sighs and shakes his head. “We can't. A life with you isn't in the cards for me, Meelz. And I hate that it's not me, but know that the guy who spends the rest of his life with you is the luckiest fucker in the whole damn world.”
The tears start to blur my vision as everything sets in. “Why does this feel like goodbye?”
He doesn't answer me, instead leaning in and kissing me one last time. My lips are wet and slippery from the whole damn waterworks leaking from my eyes, but that stops neither of us. Just as I go to deepen it, he stops.
“I love you, Meelz.”
Slipping past me, he heads to the door, but I can't just let him leave. “Whatever you're about to go do, please don't do it.”
He stops and turns to look at me, but says nothing.
“Just stay here with me. W
e can figure it out.”
A pit forms in my stomach as he shakes his head. “I have to. I'm sorry.”
I start to panic as he continues toward the door. Everything in me is going off like sirens, screaming to do something. When it becomes too much, I break just slightly.
“Zayn!” His movements halt, but he doesn't look back this time. “I love you, too.”
I can just faintly see him smile, even though it's not at me. “I know.”