So many things ran through her mind in that moment: of course, the how, when, and where, and the what-ifs. But mostly, it was the realization of what she had known all along: that she loved him. He was the one. She couldn’t let him go, not again. If she did, it would break her for good. They would figure it out. They had to.
“Yes. I’ll marry you.” Addie replied as hot tears spilled out, stinging her cheeks.
Four
Unlike most brides to be, planning a wedding didn’t stress Addie one bit. She had hers planned by the time she was six. That year, her class took a field trip downtown to the Botanical Gardens, and as soon as Addie stepped foot in the rose garden, she proceeded to let everyone know that it was where she would get married one day. That very evening she went home and planned it all out, down to the very last detail. Of course, she would wear white and her bridesmaids a pale shade of blue. And as it turned out, things didn’t change so very much between the time she was six and twenty-five.
In 2003, Addie and Patrick were married on a beautiful spring afternoon in front of 200 of their closest friends and family. It was everything that Addie had always dreamed it would be. The roses were in full bloom. A string quartet played in the background. The reception followed underneath a big white tent, beneath the willow trees and a bright full moon. It was stunningly beautiful. The bride and groom and their guests danced into the wee hours of the morning. As Patrick waltzed Addie across the dance floor, she smiled and thought to herself: With a wedding as perfect as this, how could the life together that followed not be just so?
It was almost two years to the day they married that Addie gave birth to their first child: a son named Connor. She and Patrick had discussed Addie going off of the pill and trying for a baby, but it was safe to say that neither of them expected it to happen so very quickly. Addie was, of course, more ready than Patrick, who would have preferred a few more years to focus solely on his career. But when Addie wanted something, she was persistent, and Patrick enjoyed the practice.
It was also safe to say that they were both wholly unprepared for the drastic changes that becoming parents would bring to their lives. Addie had planned on continuing her career after the baby arrived, and for the first six months, she did just that.
Unfortunately, her plan didn’t last long. Connor was a colicky baby who cried constantly. Those days, there was very little sleep going on in their house. Addie found herself pacing the halls with Connor at all hours of the night while he screamed and screamed. There were endless doctor appointments followed by visits to various specialists, who all seemed to confirm what the last had said. Connor was perfectly healthy.
There were numerous calls to Jessica during that time, which Addie was certain kept her sane.
“They say he’s fine. The doctors . . . I just don’t get it, Jessica. They’re freaking doctors, and they can’t give me an answer. They just tell us he’s fine and that he’ll grow out of it. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m doing something wrong.”
Jessica sighed. “Honey, it’s not you. If the doctors say he’s fine, then believe them. It’s not you. You’re a great mother. Anyone can see that. Connor is fine. Some babies just cry more often than others. He is your son after all. Remember how much you cried in college? Every twenty eight days or so.”
Addie laughed. “I didn’t cry that often.”
“Well, you certainly cried more than I did, and that’s saying something.”
Addie felt lucky that she could call Jessica and Jessica would talk her down, but it was during the hellishly long nights that Addie felt the walls closing in on her. She began to understand how parents could physically harm their child. For two people who were so used to being in control of their lives, it was a helpless feeling. And where there had been so much joy in their house, suddenly everything had changed in nine short months. Now, it seemed there were only uncertainty, time, and the waiting game.
Since Patrick did not function very well without sleep, Addie assumed most of the nighttime caregiving, which was something she quickly found herself incredibly resentful of. Even then, Patrick still found it difficult to sleep well with all of the crying going on. His performance began lacking at work, his drive diminished, and for that he, too, grew resentful. The seemingly endless nights and days full of doctor’s appointments made for a lot of lost time at work for Addie. During the eight weeks that Addie took maternity leave, she could not wait to return to work. Instead of dreading each passing day as so many of her friends had, knowing that she’d have to leave her baby when her time was up, she silently counted the days until she got to return to work.
She had a nanny lined up to start two weeks before her return so that she
and baby Connor could get acclimated to one another. But after two short days of Connor’s endless crying, the nanny quit. Patrick came home from work to find Connor screaming in his crib and Addie lying on the bathroom floor sobbing. “What’s wrong, Addison? What are you doing in here?”
Addie didn’t answer for a while. She remained quiet until Patrick asked again. “The nanny quit.”
Patrick frowned. “Ok?”
“Ok? OK! That’s all you have to say? OK? Look Patrick, I’m fucking exhausted. I mean I’m tired enough as it is. I can’t even put him down for two seconds. Now, I have to go through the hiring process all over again, and all you have to say is ok!”
Patrick stood and walked to the door. “I’m going for a run. Clearly, we should talk about this when you’re not so emotional.”
Addie picked up the closest thing to her, a hairbrush, and hurled it at the door, just as it slammed shut.
Although she and Patrick barely spoke for the next few days, thankfully, Addie was able to hire a second nanny with a week to spare before her return to work. That nanny lasted all of that week until the Friday before her return to work when nanny number two simply did not show up. Admittedly, she saw it coming. Hell, she even empathized with the woman and wondered if she too could just quit.
In the end, Addie added a week to her maternity leave, though it shortly became very clear that this week would need to become two. Addie did finally hire an elderly nanny named Sue. Sue had raised more children than she could count. Unfortunately, by the time Addie found herself back in the office, many of her big projects had been handed off to her colleagues.
Addie was a mess. Her life had become unrecognizable. She felt like a shell of her former self. For one thing, she had lost a lot of weight. All of the baby weight had gone and then some. Her appearance had become pale and sickly, and her hair was falling out. She had trouble focusing; her mind was cloudy. She often wondered if she might be suffering from postpartum depression; although, it really didn’t matter one way or the other. Even if she were, she would never admit it, not to herself and especially not to anyone else.
The harder it became to hold it all together, the more Patrick asked Addie to quit her job permanently. At first, the conversation occurred weekly. Addie found herself not wanting to talk to her husband about the issues she was facing or complain about the exhaustion because she knew what he would say. Towards the end, it came up daily. “I just don’t understand, Addison. My mom never worked, and I turned out pretty good, don’t ’cha think? It’s not like we need the money. So what’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that I want to work. But most of all, I don’t want to become your mother. So I’d appreciate it if you’d leave her out of this.”
Patrick crossed his arms. “What’s wrong with my mother?”
“Nothing, Patrick. Nothing is wrong with her. As you can see, she raised such an understanding, intuitive man.”
Patrick sighed, grabbing his things from the table. “Good then. It’s settled.”