“Dang it, Sadie, what are you looking at it for?” Amanda went to take it from me, but I shook my head and held onto it firmly.
“No, let me read it.” I knew the stuff they write in these things wasn’t true, but I somehow wanted to hurt myself further.
“No!” Amanda said firmly and jerked it out of my hands.
I let it go.
She flipped it over. “Sheesh, at least your curls are natural,” she said before throwing the magazine in the garbage.
I closed my eyes against the pain and sat on the floor. The dark blanket seemed to be coming for me, and I knew I was going to have to fight harder to keep it from getting me. There was peace in the blankness, but then I wouldn’t be able to take care of Sam if I went into it, and Sam needed me. I shook my head and stood up quickly before it reached me. I focused on my reflection in the mirror and calmed my features until the haunted look left my eyes. Amanda came up behind me and took my arm.
“It was just a publicity picture,” she said quietly.
I nodded because she had been right. The picture of him with the girl hadn’t been as hard as seeing him so happy in it. I wanted to be happy too. He could be happy. Why couldn’t I? Because I’d been the one to love too much. It would just take me longer than him to smile so brightly. I needed to work on it. Thinking about those around me who did love me needed to be the first place I started. And then there was Sam, who needed me. I had to learn to be strong. Once I had believed I was very strong. Now, I had to find that me again.
* * *
Chapter Nineteen
September would be over in a week, and I knew that running on empty fumes would soon catch up with me. My grades suffered because staying awake throughout class had become impossible. Sam still kept me up all night. With what Ms. Mary said was probably colic and that other than him taking gas medicine, I just had to help him through it. Jessica continued to get more and more withdrawn to the point I called her from school to check on Sam and make sure she remembered to feed him. Several evenings when I came home, he had gone without a diaper change so long a rash had developed. Each time I cleaned him up and applied the cream I’d found at the pharmacy. I attempted to explain to Jessica this was not good for him but she didn’t seem to hear me. Sam needed her. I couldn’t seem to get her to wake up and face the fact she had a baby now.
Sam only had me, and I needed to get tough because I couldn’t come crashing down too. The more I thought about college, I realized there would be no way I could go and leave Sam with Jessica. He’d never survive. School took a backseat to work. Formula and diapers cost a fortune. The thought of dropping out of school and getting my GED crossed my mind several nights when I came home to find Sam crying and hungry and Jessica in her room yelling for me to do something with him. My life was spiraling downhill, and it seemed the harder I worked at getting it under control, the worse it got.
I woke up with my head on the kitchen table and an empty bottle in my hand, and Sam crying in his bassinet beside me. I rubbed my eyes to get focused, glanced at the time, and realized I had overslept. I jumped up and fixed him another bottle and fed him. Twice I tried to get Jessica to get out of bed and help me, but she threw her pillow at me once and said she had a headache the second time. I managed to get myself dressed and gather my homework that I had scattered all over the coffee table while taking care of Sam all night. I changed Sam’s diaper and his clothes, and of course as on cue, he fell fast asleep. In a way, I was thankful that he slept so much during the day because, if he didn’t, I would worry about what Jessica would do to him. I had already witnessed her locking herself in another room away from his crying.
I went to tell Jessica bye, and she was sound asleep again. No point in waking her up. I headed out to my bike, and, suddenly, the world around me tilted. I stopped and leaned up against the house until the wave of dizziness passed, and then went and got on my bike. My stomach rolled as if I had eaten something bad. Sickness didn’t fit into my “to do” list. I didn’t have time for that. I had to get to school. I pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the main stoplight when everything started to go blurry around the corner of my vision. I turned onto Main Street and headed toward school as fast as I could. It was as if I were driving into a tunnel that grew smaller the world around me seemed to dim. Everything went black with the school in sight.
A sharp pain in my head woke me. I couldn’t open my eyes, so I reached up to feel something warm and wet in my hair. Something oozed from somewhere. My arm grew heavy, and I couldn’t control it. I let it fall, and my eyes still didn’t want to cooperate. Slowly, I drifted off to the darkness. I welcomed it because it reminded me of my dark blanket, and I wanted the pain to go away.
I floated through my memories. A painless journey. Jax’s face smiling at me filled me with happiness, and the tingling sensation from his nearness came as well. I saw Jax bent down in front of the little girl at the grocery store, and my heart fluttered as I remembered her face when he kissed her. Jax bent over his first guitar singing “Wanted Dead or Alive” made me want to laugh out loud, but for some reason I couldn’t. And then Jax was singing to me in the moonlight and holding me in his arms. More memories I had tried so very hard to repress rushed back to me, as well as many I wanted to laugh at, but I couldn’t make myself laugh. The heavy blanket made it impossible to move. So I laid there and enjoyed my memories without pain. And, just like before, the darkness came, and I floated into it.
* * * *
Music and a voice I recognized called to me. I tried so hard to move the heavy blanket so I could find him. I knew that voice. The music came from him. His voice sounded sad, but the words belonged to me. It was my song. I fought the blanket but it remained too heavy, and the darkness washed over me. The song faded away.
My head pounded and my arms tingled. I tried to wiggle my fingers, and it worked. I tried to move my foot, and it moved. The dark blanket had left me. I wanted to open my eyes, but the thought hurt my pounding head even more. I didn’t think I could open them just yet. For some reason, the darkness had given me a horrible headache. I remembered the oozing, warm liquid, and I wondered if it were still up there causing problems. I lifted my arm, but I only got it so far before it fell back down again. Someone moved beside me.
“Sadie?”
My breathing stopped, and I waited to see if I could hear that smooth voice say my name again.
“Sadie, can you hear me?”
I wanted to speak, but I wasn’t sure the words would come out right, so I stayed quiet. A warm hand slipped into mine, and my arm tingled in a familiar way. The hand must belong to Jax.
“Sadie, please if you can hear me, show me. I saw you move. You can do it again.”
It was Jax. His voice sounded worried and anxious. I moved my hand in his and tried to open my eyes. The light hurt, and I stopped trying.
“You can hear me. Okay, baby, listen, I am going to get the nurse.”
The nurse? What nurse? I didn’t want him to go. I squeezed my hand tightly, trying to hold onto him, and then I heard him chuckle, and, suddenly, the heaviness faded away, and I inhaled. My lips formed a smile this time, and his warm breath tickled my ear.
“I am not going to leave you. I swear it, but please let me get the nurse,” he whispered, and goosebumps rose on my arms. He laughed softly, and his hand left mine.
The room became silent, and the darkness started coming back. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to see Jax. I needed to see his face. But it came anyway, and once again I floated into it, unable to control its force.
A soft sound warmed my ears, and I fought to get to it. The closer I got, the clearer the words seemed. They were familiar, but I couldn’t seem to get close enough to understand. I fought the darkness and strained to hear the soft words that seemed to send warmth through my cold body. I squeezed my hand again to make sure I could still control it, and it was no longer empty. The words stopped, and I wanted to hear them again. I tried to speak, but nothing seemed to come out. I squeezed again and the warmth in my hands reminded me I wasn’t alone.
“Sadie? Can you hear me?”
I wanted to say yes, but instead I only managed to move my head.
“I’m not leaving this time, baby. I’m staying right here. Can you open your eyes for me?”
His voice sounded so anxious and worried I wanted to reassure him. But the light seemed too bright. I needed to tell him. I focused hard on the words, and then I remembered how to speak. “The lights,” I heard myself say in a raspy voice.
“I’ll turn them off. Hold on one second.” His hand left mine, and then I could see the darkness on the other side of my eyelids. His hand slipped back into mine, and he squeezed it.
“Please, open your eyes for me,” he begged, and I slowly opened them.
Everything blurred together in the darkness. I blinked slowly, and things began to come into view. I searched for Jax first and quickly found him right beside me. He looked exhausted. His eyes had black circles under them, and he needed to shave badly.
“Ah, there are my beautiful blue eyes,” he murmured with relief on his face.
“Hi.” I struggled to get out of my parched throat.
He grinned, and my heart fluttered as usual.
“Hello,” he said softly.
“Why are you here?” I asked, but I slipped my free hand up to my throat and that’s when I noticed I had tubes in my hand. I stared at him, confused, because now the fact he wanted to get the nurse made sense. I was in a hospital.
“I’m here because the reason I get up each morning, needs me as much as I need her, obviously.”
I closed my eyes, trying to understand what he meant.
“Please don’t close your eyes again,” he begged softly.
I opened them immediately. I didn’t understand his urgency and worry. And why he appeared so tired.
“Why am I here?” I asked, despite my mouth and throat being as dry as a desert.
He sighed and kissed the hand he held. “You exhausted yourself and passed out while riding your bike. You hit your head so hard it cracked your skull. You were not found right away.” He stopped and seemed to be struggling with his words. “By the time they got you here, you were unconscious, and they couldn’t tell me if you would ever come back to me.”
He struggled with the last part, and I squeezed his hand as tight as I could. “I did.”
He smiled and laid his head against our joined hands for a moment. “I know you did, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t died a thousand times since Ms. Mary called me a week ago.”
A week ago! I had been unconscious a week. And then I remembered Sam. I started to sit up. Jessica couldn’t take care of Sam a week. He might be...I didn’t want to think about it. I just needed up.
“Whoa, what are you doing? You can’t get up. I still have to get the nurse in here.”
I shook my head, and it began to pound. “Sam.” I spit out through my panic. Jax firmly held me in the bed.
“Sam is with Ms. Mary and is just fine. He is even sleeping nights now.”
How did Sam end up at Ms. Mary’s? I stared at him, needing answers, but my dry throat had about reached its limit.
“Jessica is getting help. She is sick, Sadie. It is called postpartum depression, and she has a very bad case. She is at the best clinic money can buy, and when she comes back to you, she will be just like new. I swear it.”
I sunk back against the bed, and I realized my head hurt fiercely. I flinched.
“Hold on, I’m getting the nurse now. Do not close your eyes, please, keep them open.”
I nodded and watched him walk out to the hall where he yelled, “She’s awake.”
He immediately turned and came right back to my side. “The nurses and doctors will probably kick me out in a minute, but I am not going anywhere. I am going to stay outside at that door, and if you need me, I will be right there.”
I nodded, and my heart raced when he leaned down and his breath tickled my ear. “I’ll never be able to leave again. I’m not that strong.”
The doors opened and in came faces I had never seen before.
“How long has she been awake?” A large lady with dark brown hair, cut in a spiky style, asked as she rushed over to my side.
Jax winked at me. “Um, a few minutes.”
She shook her finger at him and said, “All right, pretty boy, that singing of yours must have done some good, but now I want you out of here. Her heart rate is all over the place. What were you doing to her, the girl has been in a coma.”
“I said not to use that word,” he interrupted her in a hard voice that surprised me.
She sighed and shook her head. “Sorry, I forgot. She has been ‘unconscious’ for a week. She doesn’t need you in here making her heart race.”