Anger wells inside me.
Two years.
Two years, I’ve had this under control.
Without thinking, I dig my cell phone out of my pocket and pull up the chat box. My fingers fly across the screen.
Do not message me again.
I hit send, and before he can reply, I open his profile and find the block option.
The relief is instant, even if the ache in my chest is still there.
Over time, that will disappear, like it did before.
My phone vibrates and panic floods me, but it quickly melts away when I see Remi’s name
Remi: Are you okay? And please don’t say you’re fine... I’m not an idiot. I know there’s something going on with you.
Me: I think I have a stomach flu. I’m going to stay in bed and try and sleep it off.
Remi: And the other thing...
Me: I don’t want to talk about it, not yet. But l’ll be okay, I promise. And thank you... you’re a good friend, Remi.
I switch my cell off and clamber to my feet. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I strip out of my uniform and pull on an oversized Seahawks t-shirt and crawl into bed.
If I was normal, if I had a family who loved me, I would text my mom and tell her I felt sick. She’d reply with some words of love and encouragement and a stern reminder to look after myself.
But I’m not normal, and I don’t have a family anymore.
Tears prick my eyes, but I don’t fight them this time. I let them fall, let them consume me until I’m crying fat, ugly sobs.
I cry for what I’ve lost.
For what I could have had.
For what I’ll never have.
I cry for Tim and Cole and myself.
I cry until there are no tears left.
Then I drift into a fitful sleep, hoping that peace will find me.
The next morning, I feel ready to brush myself off and focus on the things I can control.
But the universe isn’t done playing with me, because the first person I bump into on my way to first period is Cole.
“Fuck,” he grunts as my elbows catches his stomach.
“Crap, I’m sorry.” I crane my neck to look at him.
His eyes narrow, the constant storm within them swirling dangerously. He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t say anything. We both just stand there, the air crackling around us.
“Are you ready?” I blurt out, desperate to break the tension.
Cole frowns.