Chapter 1
Stop trying to make everyone happy. You’re not beer.
“You Cheat, We Eat, Suzie speaking. How can we make your life better today?” I answer the phone with a cheery voice despite feeling nowhere near cheery.
“Um… my husband’s cheating on me,” whispers the voice on the telephone.
Lucky for her. Cheating husbands is our specialty. “We are here to help, Mrs. …”
“Tyler,” she fills in.
“Mrs. Tyler, can you tell me why you think your husband is cheating?”
After some hiccups by clients who were – to put it mildly – bat shit crazy, my partner Hailey insists I get details before scheduling an appointment with a prospective client for our PI business. In my defense, how could I have possibly known there are cat owners in this world who want to approve their cats’ lovers? Or people who think a dentist can put a listening device in their crown?
“You see…” she trails off.
This is where my past comes in handy. I know exactly how she’s feeling, because – in my unfortunate experience – men are the scum of the earth.
“Take a deep breath, Mrs. Tyler.” I hear her inhale. “And let it out slowly. There you go,” I coax. “Now, tell me what Mr. Tyler did.”
She clears her throat. “It’s like this. I was snooping through his things before Christmas because I don’t like surprises.” She’s preaching to the choir. Surprises suck.
“And I found this gorgeous necklace. It was a chunky gold chain with a heart pendant. The pendant even had a ruby in it.”
“Sounds nice,” I murmur when she goes quiet.
“Yes, it was lovely. I was very excited. My husband never buys me jewelry. I couldn’t wait until Christmas day. Imagine my surprise when I got some stupid CDs instead. He must have given the necklace to some other women!” she screeches, and I hold the telephone away from my ear. Ouch. “I bet it was his secretary. She’s this pretty young twenty-something while I’m the frumpy mother of his children.”
I wait until she runs out of steam to ask, “Mrs. Tyler, you do realize you’ve told me the plot to Love, Actually?”
“And? It could have happened to me, too!”
Could have? Oh great, another nut job. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Tyler, but I don’t believe we can be of any assistance to you.” I hang up the phone before she has a chance to start screeching again. There’s a limit to how much screeching my ears can take, and the limit has been met and exceeded.
The door opens and Hailey walks in with her dogs, Leroy and Lola, trotting behind her.
“Please tell me you walked Leroy first.” He’s a puppy and has a tendency to pee everywhere, although he prefers to pee on the corner of Phoebe’s desk. There is a slight chance I squirted some potty-training spray on her desk.
I couldn’t help myself. Phoebe is this super uptight rich girl. Watching her shriek when Leroy pees is the highlight of my week. Of course, Phoebe is no longer uptight. Nope. Since she nabbed herself a man, aka Ryker the smoking hot bounty hunter, she’s changed.
Hailey rolls her eyes. “Of course, I walked him.”
Hailey and Phoebe are the private investigators at the PI firm You Cheat, We Eat that Hailey and I started together. As you can probably tell from the name, we specialize in catching cheating husbands in the act. Although, since Phoebe joined us, we’ve added a bunch of insurance fraud cases to our docket, too.
I am not a PI. No, I’m the person who holds the whole business together. I do the accounting, invoicing, filing, all the boring administrative stuff. I wouldn’t mind going out on a case or two, but Hailey says I’m not inconspicuous. She’s just jealous my awesomeness cannot be disguised.
The door opens again and Phoebe strolls in. Lola whines and jumps toward her, but Hailey holds fast to her leash.
“No, Lola. It’s not nice to hump our friends,” Hailey admonishes her dog.
“I don’t know. Some friends are nice to hump.”
Hailey’s ears perk up at my comment and she settles herself at one of the chairs in front of my desk. I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts rubbing her hands in glee. Ugh. Hailey is my best friend from forever. She knows better than to push me on my dating life.
Dating life? What dating life? I don’t date. I have fun and move on. I have my reasons. And she was there to witness my reasons come to life.
But since Hailey got engaged to her high school crush, Aiden, she sees love and romance every fricking where. It’s annoying as all get out. She’s also happy and cheerful constantly. Blech. I shouldn’t begrudge my friend her happiness, but sometimes I am the teeniest bit jealous. Because I will never have a man who loves me and wants to marry me. Not a chance. I’ve learned my lesson. Men and relationships are not for me.