“I am not giving you a blow by blow playback of our sex life,” I hiss at her.
“I didn’t mean sex, although I’m ready for any sharing you want to do. I want to hear how you’re doing with your boyfriend being the man you’ve panted after your entire life.”
I bristle. “I haven’t panted after Aiden my entire life.”
She ignores my denial. “You’ve always kept your boyfriends at arm’s length because you were holding out hope for Aiden. Now you have the man you’ve always wanted, you can’t keep him at arm’s length.”
I frown. “I haven’t always kept my boyfriends at arm’s length.”
Suzie looks to Phoebe. “She totally has.”
Phoebe shrugs. “Maybe she has a reason.”
Oh, I have a reason all right. A huge mother-shaped reason.
Suzie waves her hands and knocks over her beer. At least it doesn’t shatter into a million pieces on the floor. She doesn’t even blink an eye as she rights the bottle. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her mother abandoned her and now she has commitment issues. Yada yada yada.” She yawns as if my mother issues are no big deal.
I shoot daggers at her. “How dare you? Did your mother leave you when you were twelve years old never to be heard of again? She doesn’t call. She doesn’t send birthday cards. She could be dead for all I know.”
“Good.”
My eyes widen. “How could you wish her dead?”
“Because then maybe you’d finally get over your commitment issues and give Aiden a real chance.”
“I am giving Aiden a chance. I’m not holding back from him.” I totally am.
She rolls her eyes. “I’m not talking about holding sex back from him. I’m talking about emotionally holding back.” She leans forward and gets all up in my face. “Have you told him you love him yet?”
“What?” I hold my hands up and arch away from her. “I don’t love him. Sure, I might have almost told him I love him yesterday, but it was a slip of the tongue. Nothing more.” Even I don’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.
Suzie claps and squeals. “I knew it! You do love him.”
“I don’t love him,” I deny. “Besides, my feelings – if I had any – would change nothing. He could still leave me at any moment.”
She grabs my head and yanks it to the side forcing me to look at the bar counter. “Do you see Pops over there?” I open my mouth to answer, but she shuts me up. “Quiet. The adults are talking now.” I zip my lips. “Has he ever abandoned you? No. He’s been here every single day. Who came to all those silly plays you did in high school? He did. Who helped you pay for college to study drama even though he thought it was a bad idea? He did. Who helped nurse you back to health when you had a case of pneumonia from standing outside in the rain to get ‘in character’? He did.” She drops her hands. “Need I say more?”
I shake my head. No, I understand what she’s getting at, but getting rid of old fears is not easy. But maybe – just maybe – I should at least think about it.