“Maybe it’s good that this happened,” she said, staring at her hands. “Maybe we should dial it down. A lot. I’ve never been in a relationship that was this intense. This powerful. And it’s scary.”
She forced herself to lift her head and meet Spence’s gaze. “If I’m being completely honest, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’ve always made that clear upfront.”
“This isn’t a serious relationship, Zoe,” Spence said. “I thought you knew that. Once we catch Davies, I’ll probably never see you again.”
“I wasn’t saying I thought we were serious,” she said. She knew they weren’t. Knew they couldn’t be. Spence was leaving, and she… she had to hold back. Make sure she didn’t lose herself. “I was agreeing with you. That we need to back away. Ratchet down the heat.”
They stared at each other for a long moment, then Spence nodded. “Good. It’s good we’re on the same page.”
“Yeah,” she said. “It is.” She was going to miss their games, but she couldn’t say that, either. Didn’t want to let him think that she was inviting him to play with her.
“You know I’ll work just as hard to protect you, even if we’re not sleeping together,” he said.
She narrowed her eyes. “Of course I know that. That’s the whole point of backing away. So we’ll both be able to focus on Ethan and nothing else.”
Zoe thought about the handful of men she’d had sex with. None of them had been serious, at least to her. And she’d thought they understood that. That it wasn’t serious for them, either.
Now she wondered if she’d merely been blind. That some of them had wanted more, and she’d dismissed their feelings.
A worm of shame slithered through her. Was casual sex ever completely casual for either party?
She’d been protecting herself, she realized. And maybe she’d hurt some of those men.
It was too late to do anything about that now.
In the future, she’d be more careful. But she couldn’t imagine ever wanting to have sex with anyone but Spence.
And that was off the table.
It was also a problem.