Her blush still raged in her chest down to her breasts. Lila shook her head. “This is exactly what the both of you wanted.”
“It is, in some ways.” Ann continued eye contact.
“What Ann is trying to say is you have been so helpful for us, so attentive, and in some ways we have ignored your needs and emotions. That’s not something we want to do anymore.”
“You what?”
“We want to take care of you,” Ann added. She shifted on the bed so she focused all her energy on Lila.
Lila was stunned. She glanced from Ann to Heidi and back again, still not sure she understood what was going on. She hadn’t anticipated this.
“Let us be with you,” Heidi pleaded. “Let us take care of you.”
Lila found herself nodding before she knew she was doing it. Heidi’s grin lit up her face, and Lila fell into her. Their mouths connected in a deep kiss, Lila skimming her hand down Heidi’s chest, over her breasts, to settle at her waist. Ann moved in from behind, carding her hand down Lila’s back in an encouraging but soothing gesture.
Her heartrate skyrocketed, making it harder to breathe and concentrate. She trusted these women. This should not be a problem, and yet Lila hesitated. This was something she wasn’t comfortable with. Not sex. She could do sex, had done it with both of them. This was something else.
Breaking the kiss, Lila sat up and shook her head, staring down at Heidi and her wide dark eyes. Heidi didn’t reach forward like she expected. Ann remained still next to her. The room was utterly silent, everything resting on her shoulders. She controlled this moment, and she’d never quite felt that power before.
Fear ratcheted up a notch in her belly. Discomfort echoed in every thought she had. Lila looked from Heidi to Ann and back and forth, her breathing coming in quick rasps. Heidi was the first to move, pushing herself to sit up.
“Lila, talk to me a minute. Take a breath.”
She did as best as she could to listen, but it was so damn hard. Heidi told her to do it again, and this time she managed. The room seemed to be spinning, and she hadn’t realized how much ringing was in her ears until then. Lila clasped Heidi’s hand to bring her back to reality, then clasped Ann’s hand. Together they sat on the mattress until Lila was calm, until she could function and say something, a word, anything.
“I can’t do this,” Lila whispered.
“We won’t do anything you don’t want to,” Heidi answered.
“Exactly what she said,” Ann agreed.
Lila nodded. “I need some space.”
Without another word, Lila climbed off the bed and grabbed her shirt from the floor. She didn’t even bother to put it on as she walked out of the bedroom and toward her room, locking the door behind her. She did need space—and time—and she was going to take it in spades.
Running face first into that trauma had not been on her list of things to do that weekend, although she had wondered at one point if it would come up. She should have known better than to suggest what she had. It was far too close to everything that had happened to her. Groaning and rubbing her hands over her face, Lila burrowed under the covers and turned on her side.
She needed time away from the two of them. She needed time to think and get her head on straight. She had never told either of them why she never did anything like that, why the prospect was so stomach-churning.
Silent tears fell down her cheeks, and Lila didn’t bother to wipe them away. She let them fall onto the sheets and disappear into the fabric. Images from her childhood flashed through her mind, of him touching her, of him making her touch others. She tried to make them stop, tried to think about something else, but at some point, Lila sobbed and gave in to the flashbacks. They would end soon enough—she had to trust that.
CHAPTER19
Ann and Heidilay in bed together for an hour talking. It was as though the floodgates had opened. They’d both cried lightly, but every five minutes or so either Ann’s concern for Lila would spike or Heidi’s would. Finally, Ann broke her silence on it after she caught Heidi staring at the door to the bedroom one more time.
“I’m worried about her,” Ann said, folding Heidi’s hand in hers.
“Me too. I think she got triggered.”
Ann’s brow furrowed. “Triggered?”
“I don’t think she’s told us everything.” Heidi shifted so she leaned more into Ann’s side and sighed. “She’s very good at hiding her trauma by not hiding it.”
“I’m not even sure I know what you mean,” Ann muttered.
Heidi’s lips curled upward. “Lila has no problem talking about trauma and recovery, but have you ever noticed her explanations of what happened only go so deep?”
“Yeah. I just figured it wasn’t that bad.”