“I think Heidi is the one handling it the best out of all of us.”
“She would.” Ann bit her lip, wondering if she’d said too much already. She had no idea what Heidi had shared with Lila or vice versa.Honesty.The word struck out to her hard, and Ann took a step she’d never taken with Lila before. “Heidi tends to react after the fact but not in the moment. I imagine it’ll hit her tonight when we all go to bed or even in a week or two, now that the three of us are finally in the know.”
“She reacts after?”
Ann shrugged. “She always blames it on her trauma. Distancing herself from her feelings to handle the drama in the moment before it spins her out of control later. That’s what happened when we were up here last. She ignored her own feelings so she could deal with a client until it smacked her hard when she got home.”
“Oh. That makes a lot of sense.”
Ann straightened her back, turning around and sitting on the edge of the railing. “I suppose in some ways this might be better than having four people here.”
Lila chuckled lightly before she moved to mimic Ann’s position. “You’re probably right on that front. It’ll be less complicated at least.”
“Nothing with Heidi is uncomplicated.”
“Nothing with you is uncomplicated,” Lila countered. “You come with your own baggage too, Ann. You have to recognize that by now.”
Ann cut her a sharp look.
“I’m serious. Heidi’s baggage is loud and blatantly obvious, especially to those she allows in her inner circle. Mine is too. But yours is far more subtle and far harder to parse out.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Lila sighed. “Think about your family, Ann. Your parents. Your siblings. The conversations you all had at the dinner table when you were growing up. You’ve shared some of it with me, and it shocked me. I can’t imagine parents talking like that in front of their kids—ever. It’s inappropriate.”
Ann bit her lip. She knew exactly what Lila was talking about. The crude language surrounding sex, where it was talked about in great detail, always trying to one-up the other and shock everyone in the room. Her parents had accomplished that so many times, and yet, that wasn’t even it. The only time her parents talked about loving each other was when they talked about fucking each other.
She’d known that was the problem for the entirety of her sexually active life. It was why sex was rarely satisfying because there was never enough. To her it was theonlyway someone could love her. Lila was a good match in that regard, open sexually, always willing to try and do something. And Heidi—Heidi came with so much sexual trauma that putting the two of them together meant a battle for which type of trauma would win out.
Looking Lila in the eye, Ann clenched her jaw. She’d known it for years, yet she’d never thought of it quite so definitively. Lila was right. They all came with their own kinds of trauma, and when trauma clashed, it put everything to a stop.
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” Ann whispered.
“I suggest we go in there and talk to her before she starts to freak out, which we know will happen. Heidi can’t be left alone for too long in strange places.”
Ann grumbled. Lila had picked up on that characteristic of Heidi rather quickly. It was nearly unnerving. Ann had to remind herself that Lila and Heidi had similar pasts, which afforded them an opportunity to see each other very clearly. Pressing her lips together, Ann stayed put. She wasn’t done talking to Lila just yet.
“I’m not mad.”
“You’re not?” Lila raised an eyebrow at her in question.
Ann knew how odd it sounded for her to say that. Her reaction had been one of anger at first, but if she really dug down into what she was feeling, it wasn’t anger. The word mulled through her brain, spinning faster and faster until it slipped from her lips. “Betrayed.”
“You feel betrayed?” Lila put a hand on Ann’s forearm, and Ann moved her hand away. “I’m so sorry, Ann. We never meant to hurt you.”
“Doesn’t mean you didn’t. How could I not have known?”
“We all missed quite a few signs, to be honest. Probably because we weren’t looking for them. I think that’s something we can all learn from for the future.”
Ann rolled her eyes. “Stop being so damn put together for once.”
Lila gaped.
“I’m serious. This can’t not affect you like you’re making it out to be.”
“It’s not. I told you, I had a panic attack when I figured it out. I really did. I ran outside to the end of the block and nearly passed out from breathing so hard. While Heidi was able to calm me down, I didn’t sleep a wink that night. How the hell was I supposed to tell you something like this?”
Ann snorted. “I don’t know. Send a text? Make a fucking phone call?”