“I will.” Heidi kissed her, lingering just long enough to make Lila wish they were going to take it one step further. When she moved away and opened the back door, all the heat rushed out. “See you soon.”
Her dismissal in hand, Lila shrugged her jacket on and followed Heidi. They shared one more kiss before Lila walked to her cold car. She watched Heidi drive away, forcing herself to stay in the parking spot until her car disappeared. Ann and Heidi were such a contradiction of each other, but they each brought something out in her that she wanted to explore, and luckily, they both seemed willing for that to happen.
CHAPTER13
Ann was home wellbefore Heidi arrived, and as she stepped through the front door, Ann eyed her carefully. Everything about her seemed lighter than it had been in weeks. It was a relief, and at the same time, that nagging voice in the back of her mind told her none of it was because of her.
Heidi flopped down on the couch and dragged Ann in for a kiss. Surprised, Ann pulled back and cocked her head to the side. “What was that for?”
“Just wanted to.” The smile was still there on Heidi’s lips.
Ann wished desperately she had been the one to put it there, the one to make these changes for her, but she knew she wasn’t. It was someone else, someone Heidi had barely mentioned in passing. “How long have you been dating this other woman again?”
“Oh, not long. I think it’s going well, though.”
“I’m glad.” Ann grasped Heidi’s fingers, clasping their hands together. “It seems like you’re enjoying yourself.”
“I am. It’s so different from being with you, and both ways are really good.”
Ann wasn’t quite sure what to say to that, so she kept everything to herself. Heidi settled her head on Ann’s shoulder and sighed lightly.
“I like spending time with you like this.”
“What?” Ann asked.
“Like this, just time spent together, doing whatever. We should go out more.”
“You want to go out?” Ann raised an eyebrow. This was not the Heidi she’d been with the last few years. This Heidi was far more reminiscent of the woman she’d met fifteen years ago—someone who lived a little more on the edge and outside of routine and the house.
“I do, but I like to stay in, too. It’s more comfortable.”
“What do you mean?” Ann furrowed her brow. Of course home was comfortable, but she didn’t understand why anywhere else might not be.
Heidi kissed Ann’s cheek. “I think we need to talk.”
Ann stiffened, immediately thinking Heidi was leaving her, that this was the end.
“Not like that,” Heidi chided. “I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve had some realizations.”
“About what?”
“About me, mostly. This last episode got me thinking about my past, obviously.” Heidi’s cheeks reddened, and tears welled in her eyes. Ann reached out and touched her face softly to encourage her to continue. “I don’t want to live this way anymore.”
“What way?” Everything in Ann’s mind was spinning and telling her that this was Heidi breaking up with her, that fifteen years was too much and she was done, that they weren’t connecting and never would.
“I love you,” Heidi whispered. “I don’t want to feel so alone anymore, and something I’ve come to realize is that I’m alone because of my own doing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t let you in, and I need to stop doing that. I’m tired of living as if the world is happening around me. I want to be in it.”
Heidi’s eyes were wide, as if she was making a huge confession, but Ann didn’t understand it. She was so lost, left in the dark. Heidi had this huge light show up for her, but Ann couldn’t see it. She stayed still, hoping Heidi would elaborate. She waited, listening to the silence, eyeing every change in her features, her tone, her posture.
“I’m tired of being so disconnected. I want you to know that I’m going to be working on that, but it’s going to take time for me to relearn bad habits.”
“Okay,” Ann answered, still lost, but at least it sounded good for both of them. “But you’re doing okay after the other week?”
“Yeah, I’m doing better than okay. I’m doing good.” Heidi leaned in and kissed her loudly. “I want this for us, you know, because of you. You make me want to be connected, to know what it’s like to feel love. It’s all because of you that I think…I think I can finally do this when I never thought I could before.”