“I don’t want to ruin your weekend. I’ll be fine.”
“You need someone there to take care of you.”
Her initial retort that she could take care of herself died on her tongue. She obviously couldn’t. She barely even made it home before giving in and calling Ann. She needed someone to pull her together, to keep her together, and right now, Ann was the only one who could do that.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come home?”
“You’re coming home tomorrow, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then come home tomorrow.” Heidi sighed, knowing she likely wouldn’t get a wink of sleep that night, but she wasn’t willing to let her trauma be something Ann would have to sacrifice for. “I’ll be fine until then.”
“Are you absolutely sure? It’s no problem. I can come home right now.”
“Stay, Ann. I don’t want you to leave just because of me and my stupid triggers.” Heidi closed her eyes, blocking out the pain in her chest. She hated when she ended up in a flashback, in a world of pain and hurt that she’d escaped from. “Stay.”
“What if I want to come home?” Ann’s voice was steadier now, not as worried, but Heidi could tell she was still trying to make a decision.
“Stay. I’ll talk to you for a bit longer, okay?”
“Okay. Want me to distract you?”
Heidi bit her lip. She wasn’t sure what she wanted Ann to do, if she wanted her to distract or comfort. She knew if Ann was there, she would want to be held tightly. She would want Ann to wrap her arms around her and protect her from anything that might pop up in the middle of the night. The biggest problem Heidi foresaw was that she was going to have to go back to that hospital room in the morning. She was going to have to meet with Makenzie again and again. She had to get a grip on her own trauma so she could be of service to the young girl who needed her.
That had been the entire reason she wanted to become a social worker. She wanted to help people who found themselves in the same situations she did. With parents who didn’t care, who used their children, who cared more about themselves than anyone else. She became a social worker to protect and give voice to those who had none.
She had to find a way to at least be okay enough come morning that she could do her job. She could fall apart when Ann got home, when she was safe and secure, when she could be reminded repeatedly that what had happened to her would never happen again.
“I need you to tell me it’ll be all right.”
Ann drew in a sharp breath. “Honey, it’ll be more than all right. It’ll be good again. I promise.”
“I believe you.” And it was true. Ann said that to her every time she fell back into her memory, when she struggled to get out of it, and every time, Ann was right. It wasn’t just all right, it was good. Ann was so good for her, and Heidi knew she could never live without her. “It’ll be good again for her, too.”
“It will be. You’ll make sure of it. I know you will.”
“I will.” Heidi sniffled, although this time her tears weren’t because of her own pain, but for the very real pain that Makenzie was feeling and going through, the very real pain that she could continue to go through for the rest of her life.
She stayed on the phone with Ann for over an hour, until she could barely keep her eyes open. The anxiety and burst of nervous energy that had raged through her had dissipated to almost nothing. Heidi dragged herself from the couch to the bedroom to grab her blanket. She curled up back in the spot she had vacated, with the blanket over her.
“I’m so tired, Ann.”
“Then go to sleep, honey. I’ll be right here if you need me, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow.”
“I’ll see you as soon as I get home. I promise, even if I have to go to the hospital and find you there.”
Heidi’s lips twitched. She knew Ann would do it, too, if she had to. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d gone to find Heidi when something similar had happened. “This is going to be a long one.”
“I’ll be there every step of the way for you. You know that. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Now, stop dealing with poor pitiful me and go be with your girl.”
“I love you, Heidi. I mean it.”
“I know you do.” Heidi smiled softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”