“So, I eat like I do because I cannot control my eating. I do not feel full, so I have to control how much I eat,” Tess further explained.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I do not want your sorries. I just want you to understand. We all have something.” Tess handed her another tissue.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you and the baby. It’s just been hard for me this time,” Amanda admitted in the small bathroom, looking at the floor at her feet and not her friend.
“Mathias told me about your babies. I didn’t know. He only told me after book club on Sunday. He should have told me months ago.” Tess took Amanda’s hand in hers.
“I should have told you,” Amanda whispered.
“No, you don’t need to talk about it. He knew and just let me think you were mad about the baby and didn’t like me anymore.” Tess looked angrily at the door, as if Math was just on the outside and could hear her disappointment in him.
“I really like you, Tess. You’re the best sister-in-law I have. Not that the last one was steep competition,” Amanda admitted with a smile.
“Can you talk about it? I don’t think Math knows everything. Just what he has overheard over the years. It wasn’t happening to him, so he didn’t care too much as it was happening.”
No, I don’t want to talk about it!Amanda’s mind screamed. But instead, she asked, “What do you want to know?”
“All of it.” Tess was still holding her hand.
“Okay… I can’t carry a pregnancy to term. I lose the baby before twenty-five weeks. They are stillborn, always.” Amanda got stuck on the word. She didn’t want to tell her baby what was going to happen to it. To let it know about its death sentence.
“How many?” Tess asked quietly.
“Nine, but don’t tell my mom. She doesn’t know about them all.” The number was always hard to say. “I don’t have an issue getting pregnant, but it’s always been this way.”
“Mandy, that is a lot.” The look of shock on Tess’s face made Amanda want to cry again.
“I know. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but it’s bothering me more. I mean, I knew when I was thirty, I would never have a baby of my own, but now at close to forty, it’s becoming so real.” The real reason was that this was the last baby she would carry. She would never let this happen again.
“Then I accidentally get pregnant with Mathias’s baby. And now Ruth,” Tess said, as if she had realized the reason Amanda was depressed. Most of it was the truth.
“I’ll get over it. After the holidays, I’m going to work to get over it.” This would all be over after the holidays, if not way before then.
“How did you handle working in the maternity ward? Babies every day?” Tess asked.
“That’s work. I can work with them. I love them. But now it’s personal; it’s harder. I know I wasn’t there for Kit with the last two like I had been with the first three.” Knowing she had hurt her sister over the past few years hurt Amanda, though her sister had never let on that she was bothered by it.
“I think she understands. I think they all do, and now I will. I’m not going to push you with the baby. You do what you want. If you don’t want to hold her, then don’t. I will understand.” She knew Tess was lying. She knew Tess wanted her to be involved with the baby.
“Thank you, but I have to force myself. She’ll only be a baby once, so I should enjoy it.” It was the truth, but actually doing it was going to be the hard part.
“I want you to be Zia’s godmother,” Tess blurted out.
“What? No.” Amanda met her eyes.
“Yes. You are my friend and Mathias’s sister. I want it to be you.”
“I would be honored. I have never been one before.” She faked a smile. One day, it would be real, but not today.
“What? With all these nieces and nephews?” Tess questioned.
“I think most of them were avoiding the situation. When all the kids were born, except Kit’s little ones, I was in the middle of it. I think I turned them all down at one point. Back then, I couldn’t.” She just hoped she could now.
“I only request one day in January, and then you can do what you want with it.” Tess got up and hugged her.
“That’s after the holidays, so I will have my head together by then.” Amanda smiled.