CHAPTER1
Amanda Nordskov was trappedin some kind of hell.
A personal hell because everyone around her was happy. Excited, even. At least nobody noticed, since nobody was even aware she wanted to be anywhere but in this room—with these people who she loved and who loved her.
Looking around the room that held her parents, her little sister Kit, Hue Strong, her brother’s best friend, her brother, and his girlfriend, she could spend every day all day with these people. These people were not the person causing her so much pain. That pain was reserved for the tiny new baby in her brother’s arms, and she was only a few hours old.
A baby. A living, breathing baby. Not that she hadn’t seen babies every day when she was an OB nurse; she had, and it hadn’t bothered her one bit. In fact, this baby wouldn’t bother her either if it had been born last month or next month, but this month, this day, seeing a new baby was killing her.
Because today Amanda was exactly twenty weeks pregnant, but no one in the room knew or even suspected. And if she had her way, they never would. It hurt her that she could not share her news with everyone she loved, like her brother and sisters had over the years.
But in the end, when the pregnancy ended, as they always did, she didn’t want the pity she always felt when they knew. Her pregnancies never ended in this room with family and friends smiling and talking about names, diapers, and who the baby looked like. Hers ended weeks too soon for anything to be done to save the baby she so badly wanted. Hers ended with her alone and in sorrow.
So today, as she welcomed her newest niece into her life, she steeled her heart for the moment the baby she carried was lost. Because after nine pregnancies, she had yet to have this moment. It was only a matter of time before this baby was also gone.
“Mandy, do you want to hold her?” Her brother Math smiled at her, a smile that hadn’t dimmed since she had walked into the room. You would think it was his first kid, not fourth, by how excited he was. Maybe it was because it was his first with Tess that made this one a little more special. Finding the love of your life will do that to you.
Taking a deep breath, she said, “No, I think I’m coming down with something.” She rubbed her neck as if it was bothering her.
“Are you sure? You’re the baby person.” Math shifted the baby her way. It was true she loved babies. Since her mom had brought home Mathias when she was almost three, she had loved babies. But today, she couldn’t do it. Not today.
“Kit?” Her brother moved on to her sister beside her.
Amanda glanced over at her younger sister, who was a taller, slimmer version of herself. Other than their body type, they looked alike, from their blonde hair to their blue eyes. Even their noses were the same. Everything, except Kit’s extra five inches.
“I already have one.” The woman shifted her six-month-old in her arms. Kit was lucky to be the mother of five happy, healthy boys. At thirty, she was currently single and a history teacher in Grand Forks, the town they were currently in. Until last winter, Amanda had also been living in Grand Forks—a town considered large compared to the small town she had grown up in—but anything was large compared to Landstad. It was there she was the lone nurse practitioner at the town’s lone new health clinic. A job she loved.
“Hue?” Math asked his best friend since kindergarten, maybe before. Amanda couldn’t remember not knowing him. Hubert Strong had been there for every big event in her brother’s life, and this was no different. He was like another little brother to her.
“I’m good.” The man held up his hands, as if to show them off.
Turning toward him in surprise, she saw the pain and despair in his blue eyes. Gasping slightly at his expression, she met his eyes when the sound made him look at her. Why was Hue hurting, looking at the baby? The man was a big, tough cop, after all.
Eyes back to the tiny baby, she watched her own mom take her from her son’s arms with delight. Though the woman had already held the baby, she was willing to have another shot. Amanda had always known she got her love of babies from her mom.
That and her shortness, as she and her mom were the shortest in the family. But all the Nordskov kids got their coloring from her: the same blond hair and blue eyes. What her siblings were lucky not to have inherited was her mother’s hips and her inability to lose weight. Since they all reached adulthood, she had felt small and round when her younger siblings were visiting.
“Mandy, I know you want to go next. You most likely don’t have anything,” Tess said from the hospital bed. Even after spending most of the day in labor, the woman looked refreshed and put together. She wasn’t even wearing a hospital gown, but a tunic that perfectly matched her gray eyes.
Tess Thorn was Amanda’s friend. She even considered her a close friend and had been that way for a bit longer than Tess had been dating her brother. Tess was the president of the only bank in Landstad, and Math had spent months hating her until she ended up pregnant with his baby. Amanda knew some of the details, and that was enough. After all, he was her brother.
Even with her questionable taste in men, Amanda had gotten along with Tess, even more since the other woman had moved in with Math a few months before. It helped that Tess possessed the same dry sense of humor she did and that she was willing to put her brother in his place. Something a sister could appreciate.
“No, I really shouldn’t. I actually think I shouldn’t be in the same room if I’m coming down with something. I should just go.” Faking a cough, she started to back toward the door behind her, hoping nobody asked what she had, because she had no illness to back up her lie. Just an uncontrollable need to flee this room.
“Mandy, you rode with us.” Her mom barely looked up from the baby as she reminded Mandy.
Just her luck; she had ridden with her parents. At the time, it was nice to be able to catch a cat nap on the almost two-hour drive. Now she was regretting it. Though the nap had been so needed after a day that started before four with Math’s panicked call that his girlfriend was in labor. Mandy couldn’t understand her brother at all—this was his fourth kid. If anyone should be nervous, it was Tess. Except she was perfectly calm as she told her boyfriend everything they had already planned.
Not letting that deter her, Mandy continued back toward the door but ran into something hard and warm. It had to be Hue. Everyone else was in front of her, half of whom were watching her trying to leave.
Hue put his hands on her shoulders to steady her as his deep voice came over her shoulder. “I can take her home, Mrs. Nordskov. I was going to head out, anyway.”
Everybody seemed okay with the idea as they said goodbye to them while Hue held her shoulders. His grasp was light but made a warm sensation spread through her body. The sensation almost had her lean back into him. Then his hands moved from her shoulder down her back as he turned her and steered her out of the room, away from the happy family moment she should want to be a part of but didn’t have the strength for today.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said low enough that only she could hear him.
With his hand still on her back, he pushed her down the hallway faster than her shorter legs could move. As they moved past the nurses’ station, she waved to some of her old co-workers she had chatted with on the way in, stalling before having to see the baby. The healthy, breathing baby.