Worse, her brother and sister, Louise, had decided a double wedding would be the most marvelous thing in the whole world. After all, they were such a close family, what could have been better?
Under any other circumstance, she would have agreed and been ready to revel in all their love and happiness
The truth was, she simply was not in the humor for it, which she feared made her a horribly selfish person.
Oh, she was terribly happy for Olivia and her brother, of course. It was what she had longed for, and what she and James had worked for, the union of both families.
Olivia would be her sister-in-law, not just her friend!
And Alexander would shed the anxiety and concerns laid on his shoulders with their father’s untimely death.
Jack was thrilled that her brother had gotten up the courage to ask her so quickly to eschew all doubts and to act boldly.
She only wished that her own husband had felt the same.
No,shewas the bold one.
He was the one who was still caught up in memory and unable to move forward, to take action. She could not blame him. He had been through hell and perhaps had never truly emerged.
It did not hurt less, though, understanding.
James had chosen the safest course, always. Even for the couples he’d arranged.
And she truly did understand why. She understood the pain he had suffered and how terrifying taking a risk for him could be.
But it had left her heartbroken, and she did not know what to do with the pieces of her heart now. She had tried to give them to him, and he had handed them back to her.
Worse still, he had blamed her for losing them.
Perhaps it was true.
Perhaps it was her fault.
She had seen all the signs. He had been clear. He had not led her astray. He had not tried to mislead her and suggest that he would fall in love with her. He had been plain.
Yes, she had chosen, and she could not go back. Nor did she wish to.
She refused to have regrets. Life was far too short to choose such a thing.
She picked up her long, pale gloves and slipped one up her right arm, and then, with a touch too much vigor, she yanked on the left.
She adjusted the fingers as she gazed at her reflection in the long mirror.
Her appearance was satisfactory.
That was how her life had always been, satisfactory, and likely now, it might be some shadow of that.
It would never bemore.
It would never be glorious unless some strange things suddenly befell her and changed all the mess that had been made, but she did not see how it could occur.
She was going to have to go through this life with an empty love aching in her heart, and she did not know how she would do that, especially watching all those about her fall in love and be happy.
Louise and her husband, and her brother and Olivia? Their love had filled her mother with joy. So much grief was now being allowed to slip behind them, replaced with the hope that only such marriages could bring.
But then, of course, there was herself. Marrying for scandal. She would have to muddle through.
She had always done things differently, and she supposed she still had to. But out of all the things that she had to do differently, she wished that this was not it.