“Can I ask you something?”
Locking my phone, I give him my full attention. “Sure.”
“Something personal.” He glances around, but it’s only me, him, and Zak, with everyone else on the other side of the Den.
“Okay,” I say, catching Zak’s eye, but he shrugs, looking as curious as me. “What’s up?”
Alex shifts in his seat, his obvious nerves setting me on edge. “Are you bi?”
I’m mid swallow, and somehow choke on my own spit. “What the actual fuck?” I manage between coughs. “Why would you ask that?”
Alex shrugs. “I don’t know. Just, you know, if you were . . . it would be okay.”
My eyes are wide as I stare at my friend, wondering what the hell’s going on. How have we gone from talking about the fundraiser to this? Maybe he hit his head. “Wait. Areyoubi? Is that what this is? Is this a deflection thing? Testing the waters to see how we react. Are you coming out right now, Rainer?”
“Fuck off,” he scoffs. “Do you see any men’s underwear hanging from my window?”
My eyes narrow. Up until recently, Alex has proudly strung up the panties of the women he beds each year. You’d think they’d find it degrading, but since Freshman year, they practically queue up for the privilege. Zak and I noticed that they disappeared last week, but we haven’t said anything. There’s clearly some shit going on between him and Sasha, but I’m afraid I’ll spook him if I ask him about it.
“Why are you asking if I’m bi?” I sit up and lean on my knees. “It’s literally the most random thing you’ve ever asked me.”
Alex sighs, glancing at Zak before meeting my stare once more. “Someone asked me if you were into guys. I said no, and they seemed a little surprised. They seemed interested.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Who?”
“I’m not telling you, so don’t ask again.”
My lips press together. Alex Rainer is the most stubborn person I know. If he says he won’t tell, he won’t. Silence stretches out between us, the crackling of the fire and the occasional crunch of peanut M&Ms that Zak’s inhaling, the only sounds.
“So, you’re not?” Alex asks. “Because you never actually said.”
“For fucksake! Zak, will you back me up here?”
Zak stares at me a second before tossing another candy in his mouth. “I don’t know. I mean, I’ve seen you check guys out before.”
My mouth hangs open as I stare at my best friend. “You’ve what?”
He shrugs. “It’s fine. Like Alex said.”
It’s like the entire world has been turned upside down. I push to my feet, looking between the two men I would call my brothers, in disbelief. “I have never once checked a guy out.”
Zak’s dark eyebrows raise as he pins me with a stare. “Do you know what checking out means? Because I’ve watched you do it to women enough to know when you do it to guys.”
My skin feels cold and clammy despite the heat rolling off the fire, and I push a hand into my hair. “Are you talking about in the locker room, because I swear I’ve never—"
“No.” Zak puts his hand up. “I’m talking about—I don’t know—around campus. When we’re hanging out.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I sink back down onto my chair, not sure what to do with my limbs, my skin feeling too tight. “I was probably sizing them up. Comparing myself to them or something. Admiring their muscle tone. Everyone does that.”
“I don’t,” Alex says, avoiding my eyes.
I look at Zak who shakes his head.
“So, because I’ve admired a few male bodies, I’m suddenly queer?” The words come out a little choked and high pitched.
Zak and Alex share another look and it makes me want to crack their heads together.
“Sorry, Sol,” Alex says gently. “If I’d known you were going to have a mental breakdown, I wouldn’t have asked.”