That’s my burden to bear, my own pain.
“But you won’t do that shit anymore…right? You won’t try and get even with her for breaking your heart? Which, by the way, wasn’t her fault.”
The muscle in my jaw ticks. Of course he would say that. He’s been taking her side since the day she left, and I know she wasn’t really to blame for my pain, she was someone I could put the blame on. My mother left, and then she did too.
It was hard…too hard to fucking face alone.
“No. I won’t hurt her anymore, I swear,” I admit.
I decided before I even came here today that I wasn’t going to fuck with her anymore, but now that I promised my dad, it’s like it’s been set in stone.
She’ll always own a piece of my heart, that will never change, no matter how much I try and take it back. And I know now that hurting her only hurt me more. Now I can only hope that it’s not too late for her to forgive me.
“Good, ‘cause I’m not too old to kick your ass, don’t you forget that,” he snickers.
“Funny, old man,” I joke, and finish the beer in my hand before heading back up to my room. I have this overwhelming urge to be close to her. It’s like I need her in my arms to feel whole again. Staring at my bedroom door, I wonder if I can do this again. If I can subject myself to possibly losing her all over again.
I guess that’s just a risk I’m going to have to take.
Sighing, I open the door to my room quietly, hoping not to wake her, but when I step over the threshold, I find her sitting up on my bed. Alarm bells go off inside my head.
She’s breathing hard, each breath labored while her hands are pressed to her chest, her big blues wide and full of fear when she notices me standing there staring at her.
“What’s wrong?” I scan the room for something, anything that would explain her outburst of fear, but there’s nothing to be found, it’s just us in here.
“Just a bad dream.” She blinks herself out of what seems to be a trance, her voice shaky and weak. I close the door behind me and cross the room until I’m standing next to the bed. I turn on the bedside lamp and watch as she scoots up to the headboard, pulling her knees to her chest in the process.
“Are you coming to tell me our truce is over? That you’re back to hating me?” Her voice is trembling, and I can’t stand to see her in such an anxious state.
“I’m not going to torment you anymore. I’m done fighting, Jules. I’m done. I don’t care anymore. You’re here and you aren’t going anywhere, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to change that. So please, don’t worry anymore. I can’t stand to see you so anxious, so worried. I won’t hurt you anymore…I’ll stop trying to break your heart like you broke mine.”
Her big blue eyes fill with tears, but her relaxed facial expression tells me she’s thankful for my words, for my apology.
“I didn’t…I mean… I wasn’t trying to break your heart.”
“Just…” My tongue feels heavy and I scrub a hand down my face, trying to gather the strength I need to talk to her about this.
“Let me finish and then you can say whatever you want.”
“Okay,” she mumbles, playing with a string on her t-shirt.
“I’ve never hated you. I know I said I did, and I know I treated you like I did, but I don’t think I’ve ever really hated you. I hated that you left, and I had no one to blame but you, but I didn’t hate you. I couldn’t.”
I lick my lips, and continue, “The truth is I hated myself for a long time for letting you go like I did. For not trying. The day my mother left, it killed me, but I had you. You were there to hold me up, keep me together, and then suddenly you were gone too, and I had no one. It felt like my entire world was crumbling.”
My voice cracks and I feel every single emotion I’ve tried to swallow down over the last three years rising to the surface. My gaze stays trained to the floor. I can’t look at her right now. I just fucking can’t.
“I didn’t know…I mean…I knew but…” There’s a rustling of sheets, and then a second later her hand is cupping my cheek, forcing my head up and my eyes to meet hers.
“You didn’t know?” I question, my voice deeper, my eyes bleeding into hers, searching for the answer to my question, an answer I know that lies deep inside her.