What kind of woman organized her own funeral?
Once he’d completed the tasks, Rob felt numb again, all hollowed out. He really thought Neil would come. Oh, he knew Neil and his mother had never gotten along. Rob knew he’d done the only man who’d ever understood him a disservice by cutting all ties between them for so long. It was selfish of him to reach out to Neil, who’d probably moved on and had his own life now, but Rob couldn’t help himself.
Besides, if Neil did arrive, everything would feel a lot better. If Neil pulled him into his massive and warm arms, it would render the world mute and insignificant. Rob owed him an apology. He could finally tell Neil the reason why he’d pushed him away and how it felt like tearing his own limbs off when he’d made that painful decision.
“You’re going to catch a fucking cold like that.”
Relief filled Rob at the familiar sound of Neil’s voice. It sounded deeper, harsher now, but it was Neil. Neil stood beside him, shoulder-to-shoulder, looking so fucking gorgeous under the downpour while he felt and looked like shit. Why Rob cared about his physical appearance, he never knew.
“You look just like I remembered,” Rob said, unsure how to start, to reconnect, if Neil even wanted that.
That was a lie, too. He’d always been a compulsive liar to save his skin and Neil’s, but no amount of lies had ever stood up to Don’s rage. Neil had always had kind eyes, but the Neil he was looking at right now had possessed, hard ones, lacking mercy and forgiveness. They told Rob he only had one chance to explain, to not screw the fuck up, or risk losing Neil forever.
He cleared his throat.
Fuck, why was it so hard to speak?
“Mom threatened to call up the local police, to dig up dad’s corpse under the old apple tree out back if I didn’t break it off with you.”
Neil let out a breath. “You expect me to believe that?”
Rob said nothing for a couple of moments. Neil demanded the truth, so he gave it up, childish as it sounded. For Christ’s sake, they were both adults, but Rob couldn’t leave his mother. She’d committed two failed suicide attempts before she found God again.
He’d tried his best, thinking he could save her, only realizing years later she was beyond salvation. His mother had given her heart to a monster, and never got it back. She had no space left in her heart to love her only son, an abomination who desired his own step-brother. Neil and he might not be related by blood, but that didn’t matter to her.
To his shock, Neil let out a laugh, the sound jarring and unpleasant.
“I figured it was something like that. It happened ten fucking years ago, but we’ve never really been free of them.”
“We’re free now.”
Rob turned to Neil, brushing his hand against his shoulder.
Neil flinched, as if Rob’s touch burned him. Fuck, but Rob hated how he still had that effect on Neil. Distance and time only worsened the longing inside him, sharpening it to a fine blade capable of striking where it would hurt the most. Thorns prickled Rob’s heart. Drenched in rain water, Rob noticed Neil had come dressed in a suit.
Had he driven straight here after receiving his text, without even bothering to change?
Jesus Christ. What was Rob doing, calling Neil all the way out here?
All Neil had ever wanted to do was leave home the moment he was able. Rob could still recall the day Neil had asked him to go with him and try finding jobs in the city. Leave Lily Valley and the past behind—it was sheer temptation, an indulgence, but Rob couldn’t leave his mother. He couldn’t beg Neil to stay with him either.
That would be pure selfishness on his part, but hadn’t he done the same thing by calling Neil back home? Back to Lily Valley, which Rob knew had never felt like home to Neil.
“I’m sorry. I know my apology means jack-shit, but I mean it all the same. This is hard for me, too.”
With reluctance, he pulled his hand away. He let out a gasp when Neil closed his hand over his wrist. Narrowing his eyes, Neil watched him. Pulse racing, leaping at Neil’s touch, Rob tried to tug his hand away, but Neil refused to let him go.
“No you don’t. You’ve always been an inconsiderate bastard so don’t fucking tell me how it’s hard for you.”
Neil wrenched his grip away. Rob’s heart thudded. Once Neil turned his back on him, Rob knew he’d lose his step-brother, the only man who understood him, his soul mate. A better man would let Neil go and not say a word or do anything but wish Neil luck in the life he deserved.
Rob didn’t want to be the better man. Finally free of his mother’s judgment and influence, he wanted to grasp what Neil and he never had. God knew Rob dreamt of it often, how it would be, once it was only the two of them. Impulse made him grab Neil’s shoulder.
“Wait. Please.”
Pleading did the trick. Neil whirled, leveling hard eyes at him.
“Why should I?”