Was there someone out there who would find me to be enough? Not too much or too little, but the person they’d been waiting for their whole life.
Tears burned my eyes as I turned the corner at a jog.
I blamed them for not seeing the woman who stepped out of the storefront.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, a split second after barreling into her.
“Ms. Witt.”
Oh dear God, no.
Yolanda Suarez, stern caseworker who had never once seen me at my best, looked nonplussed at the full-body contact.
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
The lie was on the tip of my tongue. So familiar it almost felt true. But it wasn’t. Sometimes the truth was bigger than any intention.
“No, I’m not.”
Ten minutes later, I stared down at a heart drawn in the foam of the latte in front of me.
“So, that’s everything. I pretended to be in a relationship with a man who told me not to fall in love with him and then I did. My ex-fiancé showed up at my job and caused a scene. Someone broke into our house, and no one is sure if it was him, Tina, or a random criminal. Oh, and Waylay tried to get revenge on a mean teacher with field mice.”
Across from me, Yolanda picked up her green tea and sipped. She set the mug down. “Well, then.”
“Brought you some cookies,” Justice said, looking mournful. He slid a plate onto the table near my elbow.
“Were these hearts?” I asked, holding up what was clearly one half of a pink frosted heart.
He winced. “I broke ’em in half. Was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”
“Thank you, Justice. That’s so sweet of you,” I said. Before leaving, he squeezed my shoulder, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying.
“Basically what I’m saying is I’m a big enough mess that I can’t hide it, and you deserve to know the truth. But I promise you—even though my life doesn’t look like it—I am extremely organized, resourceful, and I will do whatever it takes to keep Waylay safe.”
“Naomi,” she said, “Waylay is lucky to have you as a guardian, and any court in the state is going to come to the same conclusion. Her attendance at school is improved. Her grades are up. She has real friends. You’re making a positive impact on that little girl’s life.”
For once in my life, I didn’t want a gold star. I wanted someone to see me. Really see me for the hot mess I was. “What about all the things I’m doing wrong?”
I thought I detected a hint of pity in Mrs. Suarez’s smile. “That’s parenting. We’re all doing our best. We’re exhausted, confused, and feeling like we’re constantly being judged by everyone else who looks like they’ve got it all figured out. But no one does. We’re all just making it up as we go.”
“Really?” I whispered.
She leaned forward. “Last night I grounded my twelve-year-old for three days because he was on my last nerve before he told me that he liked his friend Evan’s mom’s meatballs better than mine.”
She took another sip of tea. “And today I’ll apologize and unground him if he cleaned his room. Even though Evan’s mom gets her meatballs from the freezer section of Grover’s Groceries.”
I managed a tremulous smile. “It’s just life is so much harder than I thought it would be,” I confessed. “I thought if I had a plan and followed the rules, it would be easy.”
“Can I give you some advice?” she asked.
“Please do.”
“At some point, you have got to stop worrying so much about what everyone else needs and start thinking about what you need.”
I blinked. “I would think selflessness was a good quality in a guardian,” I said with a defensive sniff.