“A weak moment. I’ve had time to think.”
“It’s been ten fucking minutes,” I argue, taking a step back.
“It was a fun way to pass the time, but it’s done.”
This has to be his revenge. I can’t help but think this was his goal the entire time. It was payback for the way things went sideways after that first kiss. He wants me to know how it feels to suffer.
But that can’t be true. He has to be lying. He’s still trying to protect himself, and it destroys me a little that he feels like he has to keep these walls up around me.
“Is that what you think that was?” I point out of the room as if he can see Rex’s apartment. “I know you heard what I said back there. You fucking know me, Rick. Are you going to stand there and tell me that this entire time that I’ve been falling in love, it’s been some fucking game to you?”
He’s never been a cruel man, but maybe his pain has made him that way.
“You fucking know better than that,” he says, his voice resigned and low. “I’ve been living out my wildest fantasies with you these last couple of weeks. Do you know how hard it has been to separate the love I feel for you from the things that just feel good to my body?”
I want to step closer to him, but I’m afraid he’ll just shove me away again.
“It’s been impossible.” He shakes his head, a tear forming on his lower lashes. “And for you to use that love and twist it up, then throw it back in my face or try to use it to keep all of this going is beyond fucked up.”
In a manner calmer than I could ever feel right now, I drop to sit on the edge of my bed. Shaking him until he finally accepts what I’ve been saying probably won’t work, but I haven’t completely excluded the idea as my mind races, trying to figure out how to handle this.
With a huff filled with complete exhaustion, Rick drops down to his own bed. At least he’s not barreling out of the door. I’m taking each win I can manage at this point.
“Can you put a lid on all of that anger and hurt for a minute and truly listen to what I’m telling you.”
He looks up at me, his head nodding even though his eyes tell me he may not have the strength.
The man honestly believes that this is the end for us, and I can only blame myself for letting him think that was possible.
Praying I haven’t pushed him too far to get him back, I begin to speak.
“Pay attention, and I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way. I’m not trying to manipulate you. I’m not lying or twisting any truths. Are you listening?” He nods, his fingers tangled together in a knot on his lap. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I hope even when we were fighting, you knew that. If you didn’t, then I’ve fucked up more than I realize. You were like a brother to me.”
He shakes his head, standing from the bed.
I wouldn’t survive him walking away right now, so I cross the room and urge him back to sit on his bed, straddling his legs so it’s harder for him to get up.
“Like a brother,” I continue, my hands cupping his face so he’s looking up at me. “And at some point, that changed. I saw you differently, and maybe that was before the kiss that night or after. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but I don’t see you that way. I’m in love with you, Rick. Like head over heels, wanna spend the rest of my life with you in love. You know enough about me to know that I’d never say anything like that just to get someone in my bed.”
“You broke my heart.”
I sweep a tear from his cheek with my thumb. “Then let me put it back together.”
He doesn’t give in right away, and he wouldn’t be the man I love if he did, so I wait patiently for him to answer.
I don’t immediately press my lips to his because I don’t want him distracted for this decision, but I know his answer before he speaks, his erection growing under me.
“You’re not just the one I crave sexually, Rick. You’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way about. I think about you constantly. I need your smiles, your laughter, your friendship. You’re my confidant and sounding board. If you tell me that your feelings have changed, I’ll do my best to get us back to where we were before I fucked things up all those years ago.”
Rick shakes his head. “That’s impossible.”
“Please don’t say that,” I beg. If he tells me that we won’t even have a friendship after this, I don’t know that I’d survive it.