The hardest pill I have to swallow is that Rex is obviously the better man. He can give him what he needs, that validation that he’s worthy of being seen with in public.
I know Rick has longed for it. I’ve seen flashes of it in his eyes before we leave the dorm at separate times.
I want to be that man for him. I just don’t know if I’ll ever get there.
And what an asshole of me for wishing he’d wait.
Chapter 32
Rick
I should be used to smiling through heartbreak. I did it for years after I kissed Landon that night.
Although I keep catching the way Rex’s eyes squint, as if he can tell something is wrong, I don’t stop.
“You find that funny?” His brows draw together, and I realize I may have taken my bid to hide my true feelings a little too far.
I shrug. “I mean, no one got hurt.”
“They were drunk,” he reminds me. “They could’ve hurt the squirrel.”
“But they didn’t. Lighten up.” I do my best to hide my sigh as I look around.
The world is just… spinning. People are going about their day, basking in the break we’re getting from the heat this morning. They’re laughing and smiling, playing frisbee, talking with friends.
No one is paying Rex and me any attention. They have their own lives to lead, and one brokenhearted man, who has lied so many times to his closest friend in recent weeks, isn’t a concern for them.
“We’ve been sitting here for an hour. I’ve been patient, but it has run out. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing,” I say. “Same as an hour ago.”
“You mean when you tried to avoid me so I wouldn’t see how red your eyes are, and I do mean are because they haven’t gotten any clearer. You’ve been on the verge of breaking down all morning.”
That may be the case concerning my outward appearance, but the fact is, I’m already broken, shattered, devastated. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, just years and years of sorrow and unhappiness.
I’m not even being melodramatic. I tried to keep my feelings about Landon and what we were doing in separate camps, but I failed miserably. The hardest part is from the beginning, I knew I couldn’t do it.
I knew it in the way my heart raced when he looked at me.
In how my body reacted to his with each touch.
I knew it was trouble, but I’d longed for it forever, and I just couldn’t resist.
I knew it was going to be bad, the fallout from my choices, but knowing and feeling are two very different things.
I’m not suicidal. That would be selfish. I could never do that to my family. To Landon, who I know cares for me but just doesn’t have it in him to care for me that way.
I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone I love, and I know it would hurt him. Leaving Lindell and attending college somewhere else could bring on some of that pain as well, but eventually I have to start living for myself, despite not being able to picture doing so anytime soon.
I just wish I could skip a few years, just enough time so that when I wake up in the morning, I’m not immediately hit with regret.
“I can get Joey to hurt him,” Rex says, his fingers toying with a blade of grass.
At least he’s not looking at me. Seeing his fierce protectiveness right now might be enough for the tears to start falling. I’m hurt, but letting others witness that pain would hurt even more.
I don’t want sympathy. I did this to myself.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes and all that.
“Andrews is a complete dick, Rick. Why would you get involved with him?”
I snap my eyes to him then. I haven’t breathed a word to my friend about what’s been going on with my roommate.
“I don’t need your opinions on my fuckups right now, okay?”
“Wow,” he whispers, tossing the blade of grass back to the ground so he can give me his full opinion. “You’re not even going to deny it?”
I shrug. “Can we talk about something else?”
His jaw flexes, and I know him enough to know dropping the subject is the very last thing he wants to do, but he must see something in my eyes, and he backs down.
“I was thinking of maybe getting some cupcakes from Fondante’s Inferno. I know you like their blueberry cake donuts. Wanna go grab some?”
I shake my head, knowing I wouldn’t be able to eat anything despite the local bakery having the absolute best of every baked good imaginable. Their products are so delicious that Ruth from The Brew & Chew didn’t put up a fuss when a gourmet coffee service was added to the city council vote my freshman year here.