When I was in a stall with one of the tests in my hand, I skimmed the instructions. Easy enough.
I thought back to when Polly took her test and how happy she was that she’d be having a baby with my brother. It was such a vastly different situation than this was.
I followed the instructions and tapped my foot as I held the light plastic stick in my hand that might change my life forever. The walls felt like they were closing in on me and I glanced at my watch, realizing I still had a couple hours before the store closed. I couldn’t get back home that late, of course.
How would I explain that? How the fuck would I explain this if the test were positive?
I told myself not to worry yet since there was a chance this could be negative, and I’d have nothing to worry about. If that were the case, I’d buy the largest box of condoms in the world and use one every single time I even thought about sleeping with my men.
The minutes ticked slowly as I watched the screen on the stick. One word clearly stood out once the time was up and I felt my heart sink in my chest.
Pregnant.
I didn’t know what to do or say. All I could tell myself was to go home and act like everything was normal as we ate dinner and made the gingerbread house.
I took one last look at the test and threw it away along with the extra one, figuring it would tell me the same news.
I didn’t look at the girl as I exited the store, walking to my car and getting in on auto pilot. I started the engine and drove home, telling myself to play this off and freak out later. When I pulled into the driveway, I saw my brother wasn’t here yet and grabbed my bag and purse before I made my way to the door on shaking legs.
I called out to Mom in a cheerful voice as I walked into the kitchen, setting the bag down. I forced a smile to my face as I pulled out the items, setting the candy on the counter before taking the eggnog to the fridge.
I could smell the prime rib cooking in the oven and watched Mom mashing potatoes in the bowl on the counter. This was the same dinner we’d been enjoying for years, and my mind was anywhere else but here.
I walked upstairs to put my purse away and stared into my mirror for a moment. What the hell was I going to do?
I heard the front door open, and my brother call into the house and closed my eyes as I took a long, deep breath. I’d work this out somehow, some way.
I walked downstairs and hugged them, patting Polly’s growing belly as dread filled me. “How are you feeling?” I asked her as we headed to the kitchen, listening to her talk about her latest symptoms and how excited she was to meet the baby.
I helped finish the sides and take everything to the table with Jefferson’s help. Watching as he carved the meat like Dad used to do, I wondered what advice my father would offer me.
Would he be disappointed in me? The thought caused tears to flood my eyes and I sniffled as Mom looked at me. “Just thinking about Dad,” I told her as she shared a look with my brother and Polly. “I miss him on the holidays.” It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the entire truth.
I scooped a little of everything on my plate and listened to them talk as I tried to eat. My stomach twisted and I ignored it, sipping the water I chose to drink instead of wine.
What about the wine I drank at the bonfire? Would that hurt the baby?
Polly asked me something about the lodge and I focused my attention to her, blinking. “I’m sorry. Lost in thought. What did you say?”
“Are you excited about your desserts? I heard they’re doing so well!” My sister-in-law told me as I smiled and nodded.
I’d made some this morning for anyone that might be eating at the restaurant tonight, though it was typically slow on Christmas Eve and Christmas.
I hoped that Simon was there alone, miserable. I also hoped that he choked on something I made, smiling at the thought. I’d managed to avoid him for the last few days, hiding in the kitchen and parking my car closer to the building. Luckily, there was a way out through the back that made it easier to leave without alerting a lot of attention to myself.
I might not see him before he left or have to deal with him at all. That sounded great right now and I took a bite of the prime rib I normally loved.
I glanced at Polly, who was all smiles and excitement. Would I ever feel that way about this pregnancy? I knew I couldn’t stand the thought of not having the baby since it was a part of me and my men.
I also knew it wouldn’t as idyllic as she and my brother seemed after being together for so long. My situation on the surface was so hard to explain not knowing who the father of this baby was. What do I tell my family?
I reached for my water, wishing it was wine. Taking a large sip, I reminded myself that I couldn’t do anything about this in the moment. I forced myself to focus on what Mom said as she ate, reflecting on Christmases of the past as well as the ones in the future with the baby.
Mom just didn’t know there would be two babies in her future, and I had no idea how to tell her the news.
We made the gingerbread house after dinner as always with Christmas music playing in the background. Polly ate more candy than she used on the house, giggling as Jefferson told her to save some for decorations.
I focused on the clean lines of the house and getting it together. Something about baking always soothed me and I hoped it would get me through this time in my life and putting these together was no different. I knew I needed to turn to what helped me through hard times and cling to that.