“You can’tmakesomeone not kill themselves, Leo. No matter how much we loved Mom, she left us anyway. It’s the same for Phoenix, and it’s the same for you. You’ll do drugs if you want to do drugs, no matter how many times I try to stop you. I can’t stop her if she wants to die.”
“Maybe not, but you can sure as fuck give her a reason to want to live.” His chest heaves. “Youcan be that reason for her.Youcan help make her life worth living.”
The words tear from deep within my chest as I hurl them at him. “And what if I’m not enough? Then what? What if I’m not enough to make her want to stay? I wasn’t enough for Mom. Who says I’ll be enough for anyone else?”
My confession hovers in the silence between us.
Leo tilts his head and his mouth opens. “Oh god, James.”
I turn away, needing to look anywhere but at his knowing stare.
“That’swhat you’ve been carrying around since Mom died?”
My chest deflates, and my shoulders drop. “Why couldn’t she just stay? Why couldn’t she try harder? Why did she have to leave us like we didn’t matter?”
The door creaks open, and both of our heads snap to Dad standing in the doorway. His red, watery eyes bounce between us.
Fuck.
He points his index finger at me as he takes slow steps into the garage. “You listen to me, and you listen good. Your mother was sick. There was nothing any of us could’ve done to help her because she didn’t know how to help herself. She was in too deep and couldn’t see her way out.” He jabs his finger into my chest when he gets close. “But what she did had nothing to do with you or your worth. Not a goddamn thing. Do you hear me?”
My eyes burn, and my throat tightens as I try to push out the words. “How do you bear it? Every single day, how can you stand it that she left? You loved her so much, and she’s just gone.”
“Some days, I can hardly stand the pain in my chest.” A tear rolls down his cheek. “But I know her pain was greater than any of us could understand, and I can only hope that wherever she is, she is free of it.”
Leo covers his face with both of his hands. Dad wraps his arm around his shoulders and reaches for me with his other arm. He pulls us in close, and we put our heads together.
“Don’t live your lives in fear or in sorrow. She wouldn’t want that for you. Live your life like every day is your fucking last, boys. Dream big, take chances, and love with all you’ve got.” Dad sniffles before he finishes. “Live your lifeforMom, not as a hollow result of what she did.”
Leo pulls away first, wiping his tears with the hem of his T-shirt before he walks out the door.
And I know where he’s going.
Phoenix
Daily Affirmation: “I am capable of so much more than I think.”
Wilbur barks at the sound of the doorbell. My foolish heart hopes it’ll be James on the other side of the door, but my mind knows better.
He left hours ago, and I’m not sure he’ll ever come back. Not after the things he said to me. I’ve been curled in a ball on the couch, wishing there was something I could do or say to change his mind. But that’s the battle I’ve been fighting with my mom my entire life. Some people will never understand what depression is like because they don’t want to try to understand what it’s like—and that’s just the way it is.
As soon as I crack open the door, Leo pushes his way in and engulfs me in a hug. My knees buckle as the emotion overcomes me.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” He holds me tight and presses a kiss to the top of my head. “Everything is going to be okay.”
I sniffle as I pull back and look up into his dark eyes. “Does this mean you don’t hate me too?”
“He doesn’t hate you. He’s giving you all the anger he wants to give Mom.” He leads me back into the living room and pulls me onto the couch beside him. “And I couldn’t hate you for doing what you did. I’m relieved as fuck that you didn’t succeed in killing yourself. It breaks my heart to know that you felt that much despair. It’s killing James too.”
I rest my head on Leo’s shoulder. “I don’t want to talk about him right now.”
“Then tell me what you want to do.”
“I want to sit here and talk with my little brother, who I appreciate more than anything in this whole world.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“That’s why I love you so damn much.”