James spends the rest of the afternoon installing my new cameras—and I spend my afternoonwatchinghim.
I stretch out on the couch. “I missed an opportunity. I feel you should’ve been doing this shirtless.”
He glances over his shoulder as he screws the last camera into place in my living room. “You keep looking at me like that, and you’re the one who’s going to be shirtless.”
I grin. “Maybe we can test out these new cameras after you’re done. See how clear the video is.”
He raises his eyebrows. “You’re not kidding, are you?”
I shake my head. “Not one bit. Just call it research for my book.”
“You’re insatiable, and I love it.”
Just as I’m about to peel off my clothes, my phone buzzes on the coffee table.
My mouth opens. “Oh, shit. It’s Tyler.”
James climbs down from the step stool. “He probably got your letter.”
My heart leaps into my throat. “I wonder what he’s going to say.”
“Only one way to find out.”
I grip his wrist. “Stay with me?”
“I’m right here, baby.” James lowers himself onto the couch and holds one of my hands while I answer the call with the other.
“Hey, Tyler.”
“Hey, Nix. How are you?”
“I’m doing well. How are you guys doing over there?”
“We’re good. I, uh, got your letter. Is this a good time to talk?”
I nod as if he can see me. “Sure.”
Tyler lets out a long sigh, and I hold my breath waiting to hear what he has to say. James squeezes my hand, grounding me to the moment.
Whatever Tyler says isn’t a reflection of my worth.
His feelings are his own, and I tried my best.
“You said in your letter that the reason I moved away was because I wanted to get away from you. That’s not true. I moved away because I had to get away from Mom. I know she treated you much worse than me, but she was still hard on me too. I felt like I had to be perfect, like if I did something she didn’t approve of, then she’d look at me differently and never forgive me. She held me to this impossible standard, and it wasn’t healthy. I was anxious and wound too tight. I hated leaving you with her, but I had to get out.”
I let out the breath I was holding. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“I regret not sharing that with you. I think I felt like you had so much on your shoulders that I didn’t want you to feel like you had to worry about me. I was supposed to be the big, strong older brother. In hindsight, I realize it could’ve been something that brought us closer together.” He pauses. “After you tried to kill yourself, Gabby insisted I go to therapy. I’d been through my own trauma growing up with Mom, but it was scary almost losing you like that. I couldn’t stop thinking about it—about you. It made me sick to think about you not being here anymore, and I beat myself up for it for a long time. I felt like there was something more I could’ve done to help you. I should’ve been there for you, been a better brother. I shouldn’t have left you with Mom.”
My eyes widen. “Tyler, what I did had nothing to do with you, or Mom for that matter.”
“Then why did you do it?” His voice lowers. “Why did you do that to yourself?”
“I was in a bad place, and my depression was filling my head with hopelessness. I was detached from reality, and I felt like I had nothing to live for. Like you and Mom would be better off without me.”
“That’s not true, Nix.”
“I know that now. Took me a while to figure it out and get my mental health in check. Clearview really helped.” I smile through my blurry vision. “Thank you for convincing me to go there.”