I sighed and rubbed my temple but said nothing to that, because what could I say? She was right.
“Or are you too proud?” she asked.
“Too proud?”
“Yes.Too proud.Don’t let an opportunity pass you by due to pride. I’ll say it plainly: that would be stupid. Are you too proud to forgive him now that you know he didn’t really intend to steal your trial?”
“It’s not just that. I didn’t have answers for seven years; that’s a lot of time to forgive.”
“Yes. I see it now. The pride—”
“Oh my god, it’s not that—”
“It is, and we both know it. You’ve always had a chip on your shoulder, trying to prove yourself. I recognize it because it’s the very same chip I carried on my shoulder for the first two decades of my career—only I didn’t have an amazing mentor to point it out to me and help me shake it off.”
“What on earth are you talking about?” I asked. “I don’t have a chip.”
“Yes, you do. Or are you going to tell me that proving to every man in this hospital that you belong here hasn’t been the driving force of your career? Are you going to tell me that anytime someone made a comment about affirmative action being the only possible way you could have become a physician, it didn’t bother you because you knew better?”
“I don’t see what that has to do with Hector,” I said.
“Everything,amiga.I saw how hard you worked to regain the respect your name once carried. You had to prove to the world, and more importantly, to yourself, that you could thrive without him. You did such a good job, now you are convincing yourself you don’t need him—and before you say anything, no, you don’tneedhim for your career to continue to flourish. But what if youdoneed him in your life, even when you don’t need him in your career?”
“What are you dancing around, Dr. Lopez?” I asked.
“What if you love him?”
“I did once,” I admitted.
“And are you so sure it’s gone? Because just you, sitting here, in that chair, agonizing about whether you can believe him again or not, tells me there are still feelings there. If you are so done with him, as you seem to be convincing yourself you are, then it would be easy to dismiss him and move on without a glance backward.”
Sometimes I hated this woman and all the sense she made. I narrowed my eyes at her.
“I know you, darling,” she said. “And you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t already know what to do.”
“You talk about me like I’m a petulant child throwing a tantrum.”
Dr. Lopez placed the lid on the now empty container and handed it to me. “Aren’t you?” she asked as she stood and pushed her chair to the side. “Feel free to stay here and think for a while if you’d like. I’m going to an on-call room to get a couple of hours of sleep before my next surgery.” Before she closed the door behind her, she spoke once more. “Oh, and Carolina, when you come to your senses, I’d love to meet him.”
She shut the door, and I sat there looking out the window. She was right, damn it, and it was so annoying. I knew I wanted to give him another chance to complete the story, but it would be the absolute last chance.