And the darkness swallowed her whole.
8
Chase dared Mac to climb up the rocks at the park and he could have fallen and smashed his head. I told Mrs. Spencer and she grounded him. Mac said that was mean of me, but I don’t care.
LYDIA MCKEE’S DIARY, AGE 13
LYDIA
When Lydia got back to the property from dropping her kids off at school, he was already there.
She wasn’t in the mood for Chase. She wasn’t in the mood for... Much of anything. And she had agreed to go over to Marianne’s house tonight for a girls’ dinner. Which was very low on her list of things she wanted to do.
She loved her sisters. She did. Marianne was a rock, but Marianne also made it clear Lydia didn’t have to be. She was so understanding and wonderful, to a degree that made Lydia feel guilty because she never felt like she could quite give Marianne what she expected.
Then there was Dahlia, who was bracing, and honest, and somewhat too close to the truth for Lydia’s taste right now.
And Ruby...
Oh, Ruby. She loved her baby sister so much.
But...
Ruby had a way of unintentionally making other people’s feelings about her. Ruby didn’t want anyone to be unhappy, and she made it her mission to cheer people and Lydia just didn’t want cheering.
The way she looked at Lydia... Like she wanted to see into her head, her heart, and examine her grief. It made Lydia want to hide from her.
But Ruby had helped with the kids all day Saturday, so there was that.
Oh, she was so tired of herself. She was so tangled up in everything. Her own feelings, her own resentments. And Chase wasn’t helping.
Mac’s best friend and foster brother had never really been her favorite person. She found him crass. And his laconic manner and extreme confidence hit her in all the wrong places. Not only that, his grief was just a bit much for her to bear. It was clear in the way that Chase mourned Mac. It was pure. In a way her own grief wasn’t.
She could deal with someone who was annoying. That was the least of her worries. It was dealing with someone who made her feel guilty. Who made her feel like a fraud... Yeah, that was what she resented.
She got out of the car just as Chase was circling back to his work truck. He had on a faded denim jacket and a pair of tan, Carhartt pants that clung to his workman’s physique with more loving care than she felt was strictly necessary.
“Good morning,” he said as she got out of the car.
“Yeah. I guess. What have you been up to?”
“Just went and fed the pigs. Haven’t been out to collect the eggs, but I know you like to do that.”
He looked almost boyish when he said that, and it made her want to snap at him. “And we care what I like now?”
“I thought I’d haul the tractor out later, help out with the field.” He said that like she hadn’t just been spiteful about the eggs.
“I didn’t ask for your help,” she said.
“No,” Chase said. “But Mac did. And this was his plan too. Same as the kids are his kids, as well as yours. And I figure if that’s what he wanted, it’s my duty to make sure that some of this is done the way he saw fit.”
“He’s dead,” Lydia said, making a wide berth around his person as she headed toward the house.
She was abitch. She really was such a bitch.
And she was angry with herself. For saying that to Chase, and for the fact that saying it didn’t make her want to cry.
“I’m aware of that. Would you like some coffee?”