He fists his fingers at his sides. "He hit you? The bastard hit you?"
"I deserved it." I glance away. "I knew it was wrong. I was a mother. I should have known better than to hang around the clubs and spy on other masochists with their Doms, but I couldn’t stop myself. I’d wait, and as soon as I managed to find an opportunity, I’d slip away to one of the clubs."
"What happened then?"
I open my mouth, but can’t bring myself to say it.
"Tell me, Princess. What did that bastard do to you?"
"The beatings became more frequent. You'd have thought that as a masochist I would enjoy them. At least, that was Fabio's justification for hitting me. Turns out, even a masochist can tell the difference between being beaten for pleasure and being beaten to be abused." I wrap my arms around my waist.
The skin around Seb's lips tightens; he curls his fingers into fists. "What else did thatpezzo di merdado?" he growls.
"He began keeping my daughter from me as a way of trying to control me. It was horrible." A teardrop slides down my cheek. "I tried to stay away from the lifestyle. Honestly. But I found… I found I missed it so much. I wouldn’t let him sleep with me. I lost interest in having sex with him."
"Good," he says in a hard voice.
"That made him really angry. He… he…" I swallow.
"What did he do, Elsa?" he growls. "Tell me."
"The abuse grew worse, and it didn’t matter what I wanted. He threatened me, told me that if I didn’t stop, didn’t start acting like a good mother and a good wife, he’d take Avery away from me. For a while, the threat worked. I stayed away from the clubs. Things seemed to go back to normal—well, as normal as they could be, considering..." I draw a breath. "Then one day, when he was away on a trip, I couldn’t fight the urge anymore. I tried to stop myself. I really did, but one night when Avery was asleep, I called the babysitter over and went back to the club. That day… For the first time, I allowed myself to be tied up and whipped." I squeeze my eyes shut. "I’ll never forgive myself for it. I returned home and Avery was gone."
His shoulders stiffened. "What do you mean, ‘gone’?"
"He had taken her and left for Italy."
"And he didn’t tell you?"
I shake my head.
His eyes flash, a nerve twitches at his temple. He seems angry, not at me, but on my behalf. Huh?
"So, you moved to Italy to be closer to her?" he finally asks.
I nod. "I was lucky to find a job with Theresa. It’s what’s saved me, giving me a place to go to every day, and money to survive. I begged Fabio for a divorce, and he refused me initially. When he finally signed the papers, I couldn't believe it, especially since he seemed to resent me even more afterward. My instincts told me he was up to something, but I couldn't figure out what it was."
"He had an ulterior motive?"
I nod. "Now I know the reason he signed the papers was so he could file for sole custody on the grounds that I’m an unfit mother. And he’s right. No mother who has the best interests of her daughter at heart would have done what I’ve done. I don’t deserve her, but I can’t live without seeing her. I need to be in her life, Seb. I do."
"Just because you're submissive, doesn’t mean you're an unfit mother, Elsa." His voice sounds deeper.
I chuckle, "That’s a very nice thing to say, but—"
"I am not saying this to humor you." He grips my shoulders. "Look at me, Princess."
I raise my chin.
"I've seen you with Avery; you love her."
"More than my life."
"You’re an amazing mother who cares for her child deeply and will do anything for her happiness."
Something hot stabs at my chest. Why does it have to be an almost-stranger like this guy, a man who can also be a big-time jerkass, to tell me something I've longed to hear? Why does it take this alphahole to build my self-esteem? I shake my head. "So why can’t I stop myself from being a masochist?"
"Just because you are a mother, doesn’t mean you have to stop being a woman, or being sexually active. And if it means you need to indulge your masochistic side, then you're entitled to that."