"And this was right after he told you all that he was an undercover cop?" her voice rises in disbelief.
I nod again.
She blinks rapidly. "And they let him leave?"
"Seb called Michael, but I didn’t hear what he said." I raise a shoulder.
"Ah!" Elsa’s flushes.
"You okay?" I peer into her features.
"Of course." She glances about the tiny office we share behind the flower shop. "Is it warm in here? Did you turn up the heating again?"
"No, I didn’t." I watch as she goes to the window and flings it open, then leans out and takes in a few deep breaths, before she turns to face me again.
"I have to admit, everyone seems to have behaved in a very civilized manner."
"You mean, considering it was more or less a stand-off between the cops and the Mafia?" I ask wryly.
"We live in Mafia land, so I wasn't surprised you were linked to the Sovranos, but," she shakes her head, "what are the odds that you’d marry a man who was trying to take them down?"
"I know, right?" I shake my head.
"I can’t believe he would leave like that," Elsa says in a soft voice.
"Me neither." I shuffle my feet. A tightens grips my chest and I fold my fingers together in front of me. I will not cry; will not cry. I will not regress to my state of mind during the first few days when we returned from London. I cried bucketloads trying to make sense of everything that had happened, and I didn’t think there was anything left, but it feels like there’s still more in there, waiting for an opportunity to reveal my misery. Dammit.
Karma and Cass had rallied around me, even though Karma herself had been unwell, suffering from morning sickness in the first trimester of her pregnancy. She lost her first child in the same car blast that killed Xander. So, she’s trying to be extra-careful with this one. Not to mention, Michael won’t let her out of his sight.
Christian and Aurora returned from their honeymoon, though the two of them still spend a lot of time together. It feels good to see both of these happy couples. It gives me some hope that true love is still alive in the world. That true love will find a way. I know a bit about what happened with both couples and I find myself fantasizing about Axel coming back to me, but sometimes, I think I must be delusional.
He sent me away, said he didn’t love me. And for what? Because he was angry with himself for not having protected me better? Because he was a coward and couldn’t stand the fact that he loved me so much that it hurt him? Either way, he had simply walked out on me, with no explanation. Goddamn. I rub my forehead.
"Have you heard from him since?" Elsa asks softly.
I shake my head. "He said that he wanted a divorce—"
"No," Elsa bursts out, "that cad! How could he do this?"
"Yeah," I laugh bitterly. "To be honest, I am still getting my head around everything."
"Maybe you shouldn’t have come in. Perhaps, you should have just taken more time off—"
"And do what?" I sniffle. "I don’t want to stay at Axel's place, surrounded by memories and thoughts of what-if. And my mother and my sister have been so supportive, you know? They haven’t pushed me for any explanations, but I don’t want to go there either. Of course, my sister Sara thinks I should just forget everything and move on."
"And would you be able to do that? Move on, I mean?" Elsa murmurs.
I stare at the computer screen on which I had been trying to work through some of the accounts. Yeah, I had been so desperate to keep my mind occupied that I had actually decided to tackle the annual taxes. Go figure.
The tears I’ve held back so far trickle down my cheeks. "Oh hell," I wipe them away but they continue to fall faster. "Damn it." I reach for a tissue and blow into it. "I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry over that asshole, but damn it, I do miss him. I didn’t know him for very long, but every time I close my eyes, my mind takes me right back to the time we spent together. And how I felt when I was with him."
"How did you feel?" she asks softly.
"I felt…complete, you know?" I wipe my cheek on my shoulder, "I felt grounded, like I had found my mooring. Like I had found something I didn’t even know I was missing." I turn to stare at her over the table, "Is it possible to feel so much for someone you knew for such a short time?"
My face crumples. "Damn, damn, damn." I bury my face in my hands and bite down on the inside of my cheek. I so don’t want to cry. It doesn’t make me feel any better. I only end up with a headache and a stuffy nose after each crying jag, and I really don’t want that right now.
"Oh, honey." Elsa walks over and bends to hug me, "I am so sorry, Theresa, I truly am. I wish I could do something to help you."