She usually paid little attention when I spoke, but this time she looked straight at me. “Ma?”
I leapt out of the chair. “Did you just say Mom?” Was she calling me Mom? I dropped to my knees in front of her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. “Say that again, sweetie.” Where was my camera when I needed it?
Pulling her hand away, Gretchen pushed herself onto her butt and looked up at me with innocent blue eyes. “Where Ma?”
Oh. This wasn’t about me at all.
“Jaz isn’t here, Gretchen. She’s not your mom, either.”
Her lips quivered. “Ma!” She began to crawl away.
* * *
Yet again, I couldn’t find anyone to take Gretchen for the day. People were busy, and it was last-minute.
“I can get you the number for the babysitter my daughter uses,” Pauline offered over the phone. “I bet if she’s busy, she’ll know someone else you can call.”
I didn’t feel like playing phone tag. I might only have a few more weeks to spend with Gretchen.
“That’s all right,” I said. “I’m going to take the day off.”
I called in sick, asking the department head to put a flyer on the lecture hall door announcing my classes were canceled. I sent a mass email to my students advising them of the same. And then I was free to take Gretchen wherever I wanted.
“How do you feel about the park?” I asked her.
She giggled and said, “Park!”
When we got there, I put her in the baby swing. She giggled and gurgled as I gently pushed her into the air. Her joy was so pure and innocent, it almost broke my heart. She was so lucky to not understand any of the drama surrounding her.
As for me, the recent events weighed heavier on me every day. Worse, I had no one to talk about them with. Tisha helped with the legal aspects, but I wasn’t about to dump all my emotional problems on her. None of my colleagues would want to hear about my devastation and my heartbreak, my fears and my anxiety. And confiding in Ma or Amanda wasn’t going to happen, for obvious reasons.
Jaz was the only person who would’ve understood.
“Do you want to go in the sandbox, or do you want to eat lunch?” I asked Gretchen.
More and more often, her single words and broken syllables made it seem like she actually understood me. “Hungee!” she said.
I set a blanket down in the grass and opened a jar of baby food. When Gretchen was done, I wiped off her face the way Jaz had shown me all those months ago. With a heavy heart, I unwrapped the sandwich I’d brought with me.
We spent a while sitting and watching the bigger kids play. It was peaceful there, and I lay back on the blanket to stare up at the clouds. I still wasn’t sure what I’d do if Amanda wanted her back. It would be better than letting a complete stranger take her away from the entire family, but I’d miss her so terribly. What was best for her, though? That was the real question.
With a sigh, I pushed myself to sit up. “When’s your story hour, kid? I know it’s at one p.m., but I can’t remember if it’s on Mondays or Wednesdays.”
Gretchen only blinked those big eyes at me in response.
Jaz would know… but Jaz wasn’t here, and I had to stop thinking about her. Even if that got a little harder with each passing moment.
“Let’s go to the library anyway,” I told the baby. “If it’s not today, we can still get you some new picture books.”
As it turned out, story hour was today. I slipped into the back of the room as the librarian set up in the middle. With Gretchen on my lap, I got ready to listen.
“Ma!” Gretchen said.
“Shh, it’s not time to talk now.”
She ignored me, reaching her chubby arms out. “Ma!”
I looked where she was looking, right next to us. “Jaz?”