It had never crossed my mind that she might want more.
“I know, it’s unthinkable.” Jaz wrenched her bicep out of my grasp. “For me to have any pretensions of having a real relationship with you is just inconceivable.”
“What are you talking about?”
Pain flashed in her eyes as she stared into mine. “You’re the fancy professor with the promising career and the family responsibilities. I’m just the idiot who’s barely struggled through a first draft of her thesis.”
I put a hand to my chest, which suddenly felt tight. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“It’s true, isn’t it? You’re fine with having sex with me, but only if it’s all physical. Isn’t that what you said six months ago?”
My words from back then echoed in my mind. A physical entanglement, if you’re willing, maybe I could manage.
“All right,” I said hoarsely. “I did ask you for that.”
“Because you didn’t want a relationship.”
“Well, no… not at the time.”
My thoughts raced, recalling my realization that I did feel something for Jaz, and my decision to keep quiet about it because I was sure she didn’t feel the same. I’d been so certain in that belief, I’d never considered asking her to be official with me.
“And now?” she asked, her voice laced with bitterness.
“Jaz, I never meant to hurt you.” I took a step toward her, wishing we were anywhere but in my office. “I care so much about you.”
“As a friend,” she said flatly.
Unable to speak, I shook my head.
She crossed her arms. “Are you telling me you’re ready to commit?”
Yes. Yes. God, yes. I’ve been ready for months.
But the injured look on her face didn’t change. “Or do you just like the easy sex and babysitting arrangement too much to let go?” From her vantage point in the carriage, Gretchen let out a wail. The sound rose to the rafters, echoing off the walls.
Before I could answer Jaz’s question, she was in motion again. In one fluid movement, she stuck a soother in Gretchen’s mouth and opened the office door.
I leapt after her, grabbing her arm and dragging her into the hall. “Stop. You’re not even letting me speak.”
“Maybe I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”
“Maybe you would if you’d let me say it!” I seized her shoulders, wanting to shake the insecurities out of her. “You’ve created this whole narrative about what I’m thinking and feeling, but you never once asked to figure out if it was right.”
She hesitated then, her eyes darting around the halls to check if any other staff were around. They probably were, but I didn’t care anymore.
“I care about you, Jaz. I fucking—I think I might love you.” I watched as her eyes widened and the hard set to her mouth softened. “Yeah, the sex is insane and I’m blown away by the way you take care of my niece. But it’s not just that, Jaz, it’s you. And I didn’t think you felt the same.”
She swallowed, glancing around again. A few doors were definitely open that hadn’t been before, but she seemed to care about as much as I did. “You assumed I didn’t… meaning you created a narrative about what I wanted without asking me?”
I had to chuckle. “Maybe a little.”
“So you really want to go out with me?” she asked. “Like full-on, public dates, take-home-to-mama kind of thing?”
“All of the above.” I grabbed her hand and pressed it to my heart. My eyes fell on the bulletin board beside us, and I pointed. “Look, there’s a Spectrum Coalition mixer this Thursday. How would you feel about being my plus-one?”
She gave me the biggest grin I’d ever seen on her face. “It’s a date.”
* * *