I paused with my hand on the cafe door.
I missed Amelia’s hotheadedness. I missed how bold she was, how openly she wore her feelings. I missed everything about her. Just when I’d thought I was starting to get over her, a wall of longing hit me.
I still loved her.
And in that moment, I didn’t know if I could stop loving her. But it was way too late to say I was sorry for giving her mixed messages about our relationship. And even if I did, what was an apology worth? She’d been right, I was an actor right down to my core. How was Amelia ever supposed to trust me again?
I walked back into the cafe, plastering a smile on my face to hide what I was feeling, but as I sat down, I realized I shouldn’t be hiding what I was feeling. Wasn’t that the whole issue? I needed to change. I needed to be authentic.
I looked up at Oliver and Sara and said something that came to me so suddenly that even I was surprised by my words. “I’m going to quit acting.”
“What?” Oliver nearly spit his coffee all over the table.
“Honestly, acting has brought me nothing but grief my whole life.”
First the business had ruined my relationship with my parents,
then it ruined my relationship with Amelia. I didn’t know how to stay in this business while still remaining myself, so getting out of it was the only solution.
Sara examined me seriously before saying, “But you were so excited to be making movies that could make a difference in people’s lives.”
“Maybe I needed to be looking at my own life.” I stared down at my plate of barely touched breakfast. “Some of the stuff I’ve been doing, the lying, the pretending, it’s not good for anyone—me or the people in my life.”
“Is this about Amelia again?” Sara asked.
“Yes—and no.” I shook my head. “She made me realize I don’t want to be the person I’ve been pretending to be. I’m not sure I even like the person I’ve been pretending to be.”
“What you’re talking about is pretty drastic.” Oliver’s brow furrowed with concern.
“I know,” I said. “But I think it’s what I need to do to be happy.”
And maybe, maybe, maybe, I was entertaining a small delusion that if Amelia realized that I’d quit acting, she’d know I’d changed. I knew getting my hopes up was setting myself up for heartbreak, but the truth was, I would’ve given up everything just for a chance to have Amelia back in my life.
***
Cameras flashed as Sara and I stepped out of the hotel and into the waiting limousine. Rosebridge was a small town and the riverside streets seemed to be exploding with the extra guests the film festival had drawn. I shut the limo door on the mob and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Wow, I didn’t know the star treatment was so sweet.” Sara leaned back on the leather seat and poured herself a glass of chilled champagne. “How is this the first time you’ve asked me to be your date?”
“You’re not my date, you’re my entourage.” I swiped the bottle of champagne from her and took a long drink.
“Easy,” Sara cautioned. “You nervous?”
“About what? Seeing Amelia again or announcing to the world that Real Love will be the last movie I ever make?”
I wasn’t even concerned about the film doing well. I knew that Amelia and I had created something spectacular. The audience would love it and there would be a theater full of marketers from huge studios who would bid on the distribution rights for Real Love. I’d never been so sure of a movie’s success and yet so afraid to attend a premiere.
“Hey, you’ve got me here.” Sara bumped her shoulder against mine. “There’s nothing to be nervous about.”
“Thanks.” I exhaled a small amount of tension.
The chaos of cameras returned as we pulled up to the film festival. I peered into the crowd, wondering if Amelia had arrived yet. I knew I’d see her at the interviews after the screening tonight, but I had no clue if she’d even look at me, let alone speak to me.
My heart raced as I thought of the announcement I planned to make at the interviews in a few hours. I hadn’t told my mom yet, and I had no clue what her reaction would be. Giving up the career she’d worked so hard to build for me could destroy all the recent gains we’d made in our relationship.
I had to do it anyway.
And not just because of a desperate hope that it might win Amelia back. I had to start being myself.