Finally she sighed, and without looking at me said, “If that’s what you want.”
I couldn’t respond to that, because it wasn’t even close to what I wanted. I just didn’t want her to hurt me again.
I was dizzy as we approached my apartment. It felt like as long as I didn’t get out of the car, I could still take it all back. Tell Jessica I was in love with her, go along with any charade that would let me keep being close to her. The car stopped in front of my building and I found my eyes locked with her deep blue ones. They were so beautiful. For a second, I thought about pressing my lips to hers, feeling her warmth one last time. The longer I stared into her face, the more sure I felt sure she was thinking the same thing.
My pounding heartbeat seemed to fill the entire space of the car. All I had to do was lean in. Take it all back. She could be mine. Even if it was all just pretend.
“Thanks for understanding.” I opened the car door, fresh air breaking the spell between us.
“Yeah, I get it,” she said quietly, staring down at her lap.
“See you on set?”
“Of course.”
I slammed the car door behind me, not really feeling my legs as I found my way up to my apartment and collapsed into my bed. I thudded down hard on the mattress, knocking down a book from the shelf above, which fell against my skull with a painful thump. I rubbed the back of my head and looked at the spine of the offending book. To Swim With Swans.
All my memories with Jessica flashed in my mind, and the warmth of being with her swallowed me up for one unbearable moment. If it had all been fake, how could it feel so good? I’d never felt as happy as I had with Jessica. Could I really go the rest of my life without kissing her? Touching her? Talking to her?
And then I remembered what should have been so obvious: we still had two weeks left of filming. Of course I would kiss her again.
20.
Jessica
I’d barely made it home without pulling over. I felt like I was on the roller coaster again. Sick. Dizzy.
Cleo pranced to the door when I walked in, tennis ball clasped in her little teeth, but when she saw me, she dropped it, her posture suddenly looking concerned.
“Yeah, I didn’t have a great day,” I said, bending down to scoop her up.
I kept imagining that I could just say ‘cut!’ and re-write the scene where Amelia said she didn’t want to be with me anymore.
“What else could I have given her?” I stared into Cleo’s blue eyes. She stared back, blinking. Even though she couldn’t talk, I always felt like she understood me. We curled up in my bed, her snuggling helping to ease my broken heart.
I hadn’t realized Amelia didn’t feel the same way that I did. I’d thought she’d be happy to have our relationship public. But obviously that’d just made her doubt her feelings for me.
‘Especially if one of us develops feelings that the other doesn’t share.’
It hurt so bad, but I knew Amelia was only trying to spare me a broken heart. Too bad she was a little late. I’d fallen hard for Amelia, for her persistence, her sensitivity. I loved the way she dressed and the way she’d subconsciously smooth her hair as she talked. I loved the way she always bit my bottom lip when we kissed. I loved everything about her… I... I loved her.
“Oh, shit.” I closed my eyes, a new wave of loss washing through me. Cleo cuddled into the space under my chin and my breathing relaxed just a little.
I hadn’t even realized how much I’d felt for Amelia until I couldn’t have her anymore. I would’ve done anything to have her back, but I couldn’t force her to love me.
My phone rang, jangling me out of my trance. The caller ID was from my publicist, and I sighed as I answered it.
“You really took my suggestion and ran with it,” she said incredulously. “The internet is blowing up with photos of you and Amelia.”
“Yeah,” I said awkwardly, “Maybe I shouldn’t have—”
“No, it was absolutely perfect!” She’d never sounded more enthused. “I have a contact from Stars Tonight wanting the two of you on their show tomorrow.”
“I don’t know—”
“I already called Amelia and asked her to take part, so I just need you to clear your schedule.”
“Wait, Amelia said she’d do the show?” I sat up, shocked.