“Sorry to hear that,” she stated very matter-of-factly, but it didn’t sound sarcastic. “Would’ve been nice to talk music with someone.”
I had to keep myself from laughing. Last time we’d hung out together, it had been anything but nice to ‘talk music’ together, if you could even call it that. But she wasn’t actively being a jerk, so I wasn’t going to be, either.
“Yeah… too bad.”
She nodded. “Too bad. Well, see you around. Good luck with your performance.”
“Thanks, girl. Yeah, see you around.”
She walked away without another word, without insulting me once, and I wasn’t really sure what to make of the encounter. She was coming off as oddly genuine. It had been a weird conversation.
Despite her not being a bitch, though, it wasn’t even remotely pleasant to see her. She reminded me of Emily, and, even worse, of the night we’d broken up.
I couldn’t keep playing after that. I was emotionally drained. Sometimes, even staying busy wasn’t enough.
I went home, hoping Ryan would be home from work so I could have someone to distract me, but he wasn’t. I decided to send him a quick text.
>Me: Hey, man, what time are you going to be home tonight?
>Ryan: Pretty soon, probably ten minutes away. Want pizza?
>Me: That’d be awesome.
Normally I refused food from him because, even though I always tried to give him cash, he never took it, and I ended up feeling like a mooch. Today, I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to drown in my sorrows and eat my feelings.
Ryan was pretty punctual, so, just as he’d said, he showed up about ten minutes later with a smile on his face.
“So I was feeling lazy and didn’t feel like picking anything up. I called for delivery on the way home, so hopefully it comes fast.”
“Not a problem,” I told him, “I’m not super hungry or anything.”
Actually, I had brought a fair amount of snacks with me to eat throughout the day, and I wasn’t really hungry at all. I didn’t want to stuff my face out of hunger; I wanted to do it out of gluttony.
“You okay?” he asked casually. I hated that I always wore my emotions on my sleeve. It was always so obvious what I was feeling.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I told him, “just tired.”
I liked Ryan, I really did, and I’d done some superficial venting to him after my break-up with Emily. But I just didn’t feel close enough to him to confide any deeper feelings. I didn’t want to tell him how just seeing the face of one of Emily’s friends had sent me into a spiraling despair that I couldn’t get out of.
He wouldn’t know what to say, anyway. He was a totally nice person and very generous, but he wasn’t the kind of guy who was very tuned in to his or others’ emotions. He kind of just agreed and said ‘that sucks’ when you vented to him. I didn’t mind, but it didn’t exactly help me.
Ryan went to put his briefcase down in his room and change out of his formal work clothing. While he did, the doorbell rang.
“I’ve got it!” he yelled as he quickly came racing out of his bedroom in a t-shirt and some gym shorts. Damn, that guy could change quickly.
“Hey, man, I’ve got cash for half that pizza!” I told him. No matter how many times he turned down my money, I was still going to offer.
He walked back into the room, confusion on his face.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s not pizza. It’s someone here for you.”
My heart leapt in my chest. I didn’t have friends here in Rosebridge. There was nobody who could be here for me except the one person I wanted so desperately to see… the one person I knew wasn’t going to be able to stay
away from me. Finally, finally, she came to talk.
I jumped up off the couch, trying to control my smile, but failing. I didn’t want her to see me thrilled. She’d hurt me badly, and I didn’t want to seem weak and desperate in how much I wanted to talk to her. But I was weak and desperate, and, like I’d said, I didn’t hide my emotions very well.