Now she looked less empathetic and more angry. “You did what? But… but why? Why would you ever break up with her? She’s like totally perfect in every way.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, Abbs, that really helps.”
“Well, I’m sorry, Emily, but I just don’t understand. You two seemed so happy. Did she do something or… what? You’ve got to give me more to go off.” She sat down on the accent chair I had near my door, still wringing out her wet hair.
“I got my grade back today for that test,” I told her, ”and I completely failed it. And it just hit me because it’s the first time I failed a test besides, like, that test I was late for and didn’t get to finish. But that didn’t count, it was just because I’d slept in. This was like a real test I’d studied for and finished and was confident that I’d done well… and I still just failed.”
“Aw, Emily,” she said softly, knowing how much this meant to me, “but you’ll do well on the next one, I’m sure. It’s not the end of the world.”
“I have to do well on the next one,” I told her. “If I don’t, I might fail the class. I wouldn’t be able to graduate, and… I just have to. But unlike you, I’m not so sure I’ll do well next time. And that’s why I broke up with her.”
She shook her head slightly, sending little droplets of water onto the floor. “But I don’t understand… what does you failing have to do with her?”
“It has everything to do with her. If it wasn't for her, I would’ve studied way more. With her, I don’t focus, I don’t study, I don’t have the drive I once did. She is such a major distraction for me, and I just can’t force myself to be attentive to school when she's around. I want to, but I just… I can’t. It fucking sucks. And I can't see myself succeeding in this class and for the rest of the semester unless I take time away from her.”
“Oh…” she said quietly, clearly not wanting to pass judgment.
I took in a deep breath. “What?”
“Nothing,” she said quickly. “So, how’d she take it?”
“She was heartbroken, of course. Couldn’t understand, of course.” I didn’t add the fact that we’d just had sex for the first time before I did and that it’d added to her pain. I didn’t need Abby judging me for that, too.
She looked sad. “I feel so bad for her… for the both of you, really. You two seemed so happy.”
“We were,” I told her, feeling like the butterflies in my stomach were threatening to come up.
“Well, maybe at some point in the future, after you’re more stable in school, you two can reconnect.”
I shook my head. “I thought that, too. That’s the first thing I thought, actually. That she and I could be together eventually, but no. She doesn’t want to wait a year for me to graduate, and I understand. We haven’t been together very long, so that's a pretty big ask of me, but… I don’t know. I just can’t imagine her being gone from my life for good.”
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I absolutely hated crying in front of people, even people I loved and trusted like Abby. It just made me feel too vulnerable, so I did my best to hold back actual tears. But I was pretty sure Abby could see my eyes reddening anyway.
She got off my accent chair and joined me on the bed, rubbing my back softly. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. You want to hang out? Drink more of that wine? Watch a movie together?”
I shook my head slowly. The last thing I wanted to do was drink more of the wine that Kaitlyn had bought. I didn’t need to be reminded of her any further.
“Abbs, am I doing the right thing?” I asked her.
She didn’t answer me right away, so I knew her opinion immediately. She didn’t think I should have dumped Kaitlyn for this. I knew her well enough to know when she didn’t approve.
But she had the decency not to say that.
“I can't answer that for you, Em. That’s a choice you’ve got to make on your own. School’s your future, so if you need to prioritize that above your relationship, then you do that.”
This was why I loved her so much. Even when she disapproved, when she thought I was wrong, she knew how to be comforting. She just was tuned in to people’s emotions and was very emotionally nurturing.
This time, it didn’t help much. I couldn’t think of a single thing that really would help. But I decided to relent and watch movies with Abby at her insistence, so she wouldn’t worry about me too much. Plus, I had nothing else to do, and I couldn’t sit here and wallow in my pain all night.
The worst part was, I did all of this so I could guarantee I wouldn’t ruin my education. But now? With this level of pain, I still couldn’t even imagine studying.
15
Kaitlyn
I felt stupid for how long I stayed in disbelief.
It was one thing to be in disbelief when it’d happened. I’d been surprised; of course I couldn’t believe it right after she’d told me. Hell, it wasn’t even that unreasonable for me to have expected she might have followed me as I’d left her house so she could tell me she regretted her decision already.