I knew how, though. Because of Kaitlyn. Because I was so absorbed in her that I couldn’t focus on anything else. And I let myself fail because of her.
I was doing math in my head, trying to figure out if there was a way I could salvage this. And I could. As long as I got mostly A’s and a few B’s for the rest of the semester, I would pass this class.
And that was doable. At least, it was doable with my old study schedule. If I gave it my absolute all. It wouldn’t be doable if I continued to half-ass things with Kaitlyn on my mind.
So, fine, I’d have to put her out of my mind. I’d be more focused. We’d spend less time together. I’d absorb myself in work, at least until I could finish school…
But I knew that wasn’t going to work. There was no focus with Kaitlyn. I had no willpower when it came to her. I couldn’t make this work and keep her at the same time. As much as I wanted to, as much as I cared about her, I just… couldn’t.
I had to break up with her.
11
Kaitlyn
I didn’t ask Emily how her midterm had gone, because I could tell from the expression on her face as soon as she walked back into the bar that it had not gone well.
Not that she was looking overtly sad or anything. On the contrary, she had a smile on her face, but I could tell it was forced. If she’d done well, she would have had the genuine grin she got when she was actually happy. This was her put-on-a-show face I had seen so many times when I’d visited her at work.
If she’d wanted to talk about the test, she would have brought it up. She had no problem venting to me about things in her life. So I gathered she didn’t want to discuss it. At least, not here, not with everyone around, which I understood.
I felt pretty bad that she wasn’t able to drink, though. I wished I’d offered to be the DD, because she really seemed like she needed to get wasted. I thought of offering to drive home, but I realized I was already in too deep. Abby, her friend Randi, and I had all gone to the bar to take two shots while Emily had been out checking her grade.
Thankfully, the party didn’t go too late. Emily, Abby, and I left around ten, and I suggested we get some wine on the way home to continue drinking. I expected Abby to love the idea, but I wasn’t expecting Emily to be super enthused, as she wasn’t that big of a drinker.
The fact that she was ready to drink only solidified my theory th
at her grade hadn’t been so great. I wished I could comfort her in some way, but if she wanted to avoid thinking about it, I’d do that with her for the rest of the night.
We grabbed a few bottles of wine on the way home and popped them as soon as we got through the door. I made sure to pour Emily a big glass and brought it to her on the couch, where her fake smile had slid off her face. She looked only unhappy.
“What’s wrong with you?” Abby said suddenly to her.
“What? Nothing,” she said with a shrug.
Abby was a little drunk and bold, so she continued. “You’re totally lying. What is it? Did you not have fun?”
“Yeah, no, the party was fine… it’s nothing,” she said.
Now I knew for sure she didn’t want to talk. I decided to try and defuse the situation a little more.
“Nothing that wine can’t fix. Here, babe,” I said, handing her a glass. Abby already had hers in hand.
“Thank you,” she sighed. She immediately started drinking it.
“And Abby, the party really was fun,” I told her, both trying to give her some gratification and change the subject. “Thanks so much for inviting me.”
“Oh, no problem!” she said excitedly. “And I’m so glad I did! You’re an absolute blast! Everyone at the party totally loved you.”
“Really?” I said with a smile as I looked over at Emily. She’d already finished her glass and was getting up to get another one. She was definitely not smiling.
“Truly! And I love you, too! I’m so glad that Emily is dating you, seriously. I mean, I think I’d love anyone new who came into her life, but I’m so glad it was you in particular. You are perfect for her. She needs someone extroverted who’ll push her outside of her comfort zone. And you’ve definitely done that.”
Emily came back to sit with a new glass of wine. I expected her to give me a cheek kiss as she sat down, as she often did. When that didn’t happen, I found myself suddenly worried.
Maybe it wasn’t her grade that had her irritated, maybe it was me. But what had I done? I couldn’t think of anything that would make her irritated with me.
Or maybe it was nothing I’d done. Maybe it was just the way I’d been acting at the party. Maybe she hadn’t liked the attention I’d received. That would be understandable. She’d been with this group of friends for a long time, and then here I came, swooping in and acting like the life of the party.