Relief in knowing that I was now the monster beneath the bed of those who’d looked down on me for so long. And yet, I’d kept that monster at bay even when he longed to be free. Did I go back and kill those who’d used and abused me? No.
I let them keep breathing because that’s who I am. Who I was.
And now I’m striving to maintain hope and honor in a situation that is more than likely going to not just lead to my death but the death of the one person who made this entire fucking existence worthwhile.
I’ve lived and breathed for Bronywyn since the moment I first laid eyes upon her. Even before our bond, Allison never even came close to being what I longed for—a fact that made me feel inadequate, given that my kind mates for life. I once wondered if perhaps I’d met Allison first, then maybe I could have given her more of me. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been so in love with Bronywyn.
She’s going to die.
I know it without a doubt because I can no longer see the light at the end of this tunnel full of shadows, and I’m exhausted from living in the dark. I lost Allison. But somehow I know that pain will be nothing compared to how it’s going to feel, watching the life fade from Bronywyn.
“Do it. You won’t regret it.”
Before I can talk myself out of it, I snag the vial.
“Tarnley, I didn’t expect to see you here.” My hand tightens around my freedom as I turn to face Eira.
One glance over my shoulder proves the other vampire is already gone.
“See to it she never comes back in here,” Eira orders her guards. They nod and disappear into the crowd. Her gaze drops to my hand. “You going to drink that?”
Swallowing hard, I look down at the crimson. It would be the easy way out. A simple way to make it through the next hour. Which is exactly why I shake my head and set it into her outstretched hand.
Losing yourself and the one you love shouldn’t be easy.
“Come with me.” Without waiting for a response, she turns and pushes through the crowd. I follow, each step bringing me even more shame. I’d been about to go against everything I’ve ever believed—for an hour of fucking peace.
I’m weak. Pathetic. And I’ve never felt less worthy.
We make our way through the near-empty dining room, then through a bustling kitchen, and up a flight of stairs. As soon as we’re down the hall and into her large office, she shuts the door and heads for an adjoining bathroom where I watch in disgust as she opens the vial and pours it down the drain.
Feeling uncomfortable as fuck, I turn toward the large glass window spanning the entire length and width of the room. From up here in her perch, the siren sees everything in the main part of the club. Below us, supernaturals move together, some dancing in rhythm with the others, some in their own world entirely.
“You came here tonight, looking for an escape.” The words are not posed as a question, leaving me to wonder just how fucking pathetic I look to a woman who spent over a decade being held by the council.
“It’s pathetic.” I don’t deny it. Lying has never been something that I felt was necessary. Especially when she clearly knows the truth.
“It’s not.”
I turn as she sits in her chair and gestures to the one in front of her desk. Without waiting for a second invitation, I take a seat and do my best to look everywhere but at her.
“I tried to drown myself once.”
I step away from the wall and turn toward the siren. Her sad, violet eyes watch me as she waits for me to respond. “Why? How?”
“After Elijah rescued me from the council. I’d been young when they took me, had very little control over my power. If I’d known then that it was impossible to drown myself, I likely would have tried something else.” She pauses then swallows hard. “The things that they did to me—the nightmares—they never stop. Even after all this time.”
“I can’t even imagine.”
“No,” she agrees. “Likely no one who hasn’t been in that exact situation can. I won’t go into details as to what they did, though I imagine you know the summary of it, but you should know that the feeling of helplessness, the pain of knowing your past—you aren’t alone in feeling either of those things.”
“Your situation was far worse than mine.”
“To me, it was. But to you? I imagine nothing is worse than what you’re living through right now.”
“She’s going to die,” I choke out, speaking the words aloud for the first time. “Because we’re going to have to put her down.”
“Ridley could still show up. Fearghas is out looking for him now.”
“If he doesn’t—Bronywyn attacked Delaney and me tonight. The shadow magic is becoming stronger—smarter. Letting it remain is a mistake.”
“We will find a way. But if you give in now—if you seek escape without fully awaiting your options—you will regret it.”
“Is that why you didn’t drown yourself?”
She smiles wistfully. “I found a reason to live. So will you.”
I don’t respond, instead, letting my gaze drift over to the strobing lights flashing just beyond her window. I appreciate her words of encouragement, and I am grateful she stopped me from drinking that vial.
The problem with her logic, though, is that I found a reason to live. And it’s that reason that’s killing me.