Dean glances sideways at him, his face tightening, but Cayde doesn’t so much as flinch, which makes me think that he had some idea about it too.
“You can’t possibly be asking what I think you’re asking.” Dean glares at me. “I know we’ve been lenient with you since the kidnapping, Athena, but maybe we’ve allowed you too much slack if—”
“Let’s hear her out,” Cayde interrupts, his gaze fixed on me. “Why do you think that’s a good idea, Athena?”
It’s odd, hearing my name on his lips like that, as if he were talking to an equal in casual conversation. Iamhis equal, but it’s never felt as if he’s thought of me that way, and the shift gives me the confidence to push forward.
“None of you can go in asking questions, not even Jaxon,” I say firmly. “None of you can get anyone to open up and talk around you. At the end of the day, you’re always going to be the heirs, and anyone who talks to you about anything that you shouldn’t know is going to be punished if they talk to you at all. But not all of them will remember me anymore. And they’ll be distracted by the fact that a girl is fighting. If one of you is with me, you can keep an eye on me too, make sure no one grabs me again or hurts me beyond what’s normal in the ring. And it’ll be good for me too. Therapeutic, even.”
I look at them, feeling almost desperate for them to listen to me. “Don’t you want to know what happened, too? There’s something more going on here than just what you’ve been told; I know it. Iknowit.” I swallow hard. “Let me do this. You can’t protect me from everything, and I’m not going to be kept locked up for the rest of my life. If that’s the only future I have here then—then I wish you would have just let me die in that ditch.”
If anything affects them, it’s that. Dean flinches back, Jaxon looks away, and a strange look passes over Cayde’s face.
“Let her do it,” Jaxon says suddenly. “She’s tough. She’s a good fighter. She’s beaten me in the ring at the gym before. One of us can go with her like she said. We’ll make sure nothing happens to her.”
I stare at him in shock. I hadn’t expected him to back me up. It’s thelastthing I’d expected, to be honest.
“You’ve picked an interesting time to start having an opinion,” Dean says archly, and my gaze flicks back to him. The tension at the table is palpable, and it’s all I can do to not shrink back in my chair. But I can’t back down now. This is important to me—to find out answers about what’s happening in the town, and to me, on my own, or at least to be part of it even if I have to have a shadow.
“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” Cayde says slowly. “There’s no way I’ll agree to it unless one of us is with you, but—”
“She just said she’d rather die than be a prisoner in this house, or the estate, for the rest of her life,” Jaxon growls, slamming his hands down on the table. “Do you want to see another person you care about die, Cayde? I know I don’t want to be responsible for it again. Didn’t the kidnapping teach you fuckers anything?” He shoves his chair back, his expression dark as he stalks around the table, and I turn to look at him as he strides towards the door.
“Excuse me.” I jump up, nearly knocking my own chair over in my haste, and follow him out of the dining room. “Jaxon!”
He doesn’t stop at first. He keeps walking, his shoulders hunched forward, and I have to jog to catch up with him.
“Jaxon!” He’s almost to the stairs when I finally manage to grab his elbow, tugging at it. He shakes me off like a dog with a mouse but turns around, fixing me with that nearly-black stare that sends a shiver down my spine.
“What?” The word comes out like the crack of a whip, like leather against my skin, and I feel a shiver of desire down my spine despite myself.
“Thank you,” I manage, feeling a sudden clenching in my chest that makes it feel hard to breathe.Fuck, but even after everything, I still want him, in a way that’s completely different from my desire for Dean or for Cayde.
“For what?” His voice is a low growl, sending the hairs on my arms standing up, my skin prickling at the sound of it.
I lick my lips nervously, and I see his gaze flick down to them despite himself, as if he can’t quite stop himself from looking. “For standing up for me in there,” I manage. “For helping me.”
There’s a moment where neither of us speaks, tension shimmering in the air between us, and I wish he’d reach out for me, grab my arms, pull me up against him, or spin me around against the banister of the stairs.
But he doesn’t. “It was nothing,” he says finally, his shoulders hunching as he shoves his hands into his pockets. “You shouldn’t thank me, really. They still might not let you do it. Or they’ll see the fights once and change their minds. There’s not much I can do, really. I don’t have any influence here.”
“You could,” I say it before I can stop myself. “We could—”
Jaxon’s jaw tightens, his eyes darkening. “We?We, nothing, Athena. You don’t have any power here. You never will. Neither will I. That’s just how things are—”
“Dean and Cayde are changing,” I insist. “They’re starting to buck against what their families want. And if you—”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He cuts me off harshly, shaking his head. “You shouldn’t talk about things you don’t fucking understand.” His eyes hold mine for one more second, sending that shiver through me again, and then he turns sharply on his heel, stalking up the stairs without a backward glance.
I know I should go back into the dining room, but I don’t. Whatever their answer is, I don’t think I want to hear anything more tonight, even if it’s yes. I feel unsettled by my reaction to Jaxon as if I can’t control my own desires and want to be alone, to untangle those feelings.
He’s supposed to be my last conquest, the last chess piece, the thing I need to ruin their game for good and gain my freedom. But in order to do that, I need to be in control. I have to be able to controlmyself.
I hurry upstairs to my bathroom, shedding my clothes and stepping into the hottest shower I can stand. I lean against the wall, breathing in the steam, trying to forget about the way his dark eyes looked gazing into mine, the growl of his voice, the way he stood so close to me. I’ve been fighting these feelings ever since I came here, ever since I was introduced to him, ever since that night out on that cliffside, and nothing—not even his lie to me or him caning me in the study and taking pleasure in it—seems to be able to make me stop wanting him.
Dean and Cayde might be the most dangerous of the three boys, but Jaxon is the most dangerous tome. Because he could make me lose control. He could make me lose sight of what I’m trying to do, make me lose myself. He could chain me here, and I might hold out my hands for the cuffs.
Think about the others,I tell myself.Not him.I try to think of Dean this afternoon, kissing me up against the door, telling me to get down on my knees. I think of Cayde in bed last night, touching me gently, like he never has before. I slip my hand between my thighs, leaning my forehead against the wall of the shower. As I brush my fingers over my clit I try to think of that, of Cayde’s lips on mine, him pushing between my thighs, not cruelly fucking me and not making love to me but something in between, ordinary sex that somehow still felt so incredibly fucking good. I try to think of sinking down to my knees in front of Dean earlier, his hungry voice telling me that heneededto come in my mouth, the taste of him on the back of my tongue, the way this house has become both an outlet and a haven for all the most depraved desires I could have, with men who will never judge me for it.